Most of the time it’s pretty nice to have a girlfriend. Someone to ask about your day, someone to massage your sweaty feet, someone to post embarrassing things on your Facebook wall even though you’ve asked her to seriously stop posting her poems every freaking day. But even the best relationships go bad and it’s important to know when it’s time to end things, cut her loose, change the locks, defriend her on Facebook, start sleeping with her best friend etc.
1. She’s letting herself go – Has she been dabbling in pants with elastic waistbands and “forgetting” to put her contacts in as soon as she wakes up. Well it’s time for you to wake up because she’s letting herself go faster than she convinced you to put both names on the answering machine. There’s no room in this world for two Kirstie Alleys and if she’s already moved on to wearing sweat pants all day, it won’t be long before you’re filming the TLC special “I’m married to the world’s fattest woman.”
2. She’s got a tattoo with your name – Nothing says “we’re going to be together forever and ever” quite like her getting a tattoo with your name on it. Odds are that she’s already plotting out how to accidentally get pregnant and tell you in front of your entire family. Get out before she goes all out and tattoos “this belongs to my boyfriend tommy” on her nether regions.
3. She’s wants to be on a reality show – If she starts insisting that you turn on the camera whenever you’re having sex or a fight, there’s a definite problem. And if you’re already at the point where she’s making you sign releases before you leave the house, it’s probably too late. It’s most likely that there are already hidden cameras taping you as you read this.
4. She has a crazy habit – It’s not at all normal that she collects all your hairs in a little jar and it’s absolutely sociopathic that she kills kittens on the weekend. NO matter how hot/funny/smart/boss’s daughter she is, these quirky little habits are grounds for a break-up, if not for a restraining order. Today she’s alphabetizing the condiments in the fridge, tomorrow she’s killing the neighbor and asking you to help hide the body.
5. She has a bad temper – It’s not a fight if she doesn’t throw at least one cast-iron pan and break your brand new HDTV. You can’t even remember the last time the cops weren’t called during a routine “why did you check out that waitresses” argument. Go stealth on our break-up and sneak out while she’s gone or risk being lorena-bobbited when she sees the suitcases.
6. She has a daily ticket on an emotional roller coaster – One second she’s the happiest person in the entire world and the next second she can’t stop sobbing. She might blame her irrational mood swings on PMS, but you rest assured that she’s just straight up straight-jacket insane. You never know what’s going to make her smile and what’s going to make her bring a toaster into the bathtub.
7. She’s too kinky – You can’t even count how many times you’ve been on the verge of death after another one of her suicide role play games. Even thought you never thought you would be sexed-out, you can’t stand the thought of spending one more night handcuffed to the cat. One time you misunderstood what she was talking about and now every single time you have sex, the cat has to be involved.