|

7 Future Facebook Features

Facebook hasn’t updated in quite sometime and rumors are floating around that another big update is just around the bend. This has been  met with mixed reactions: some people upset at the idea of another change in interface so soon, some still upset about the last update, and some just upset about Facebook for ideological reasons. I have scoured through the many rumored features and found seven I think will appeal the most to the COED reader.

Ceiling Cat is now stalking you, would you like to suggest other people for Ceiling Cat to Stalk?

1. The “Stalk” Button: For years now, you have been able to poke your friends, message your friends, tag your friends, send your friends potatoes, IM them, and so on. And throughout it all, you have been able to stalk your “friends.” But there was never a fun, simple, and efficient way to do it. Well coming soon, just below the poke button on your friends profiles will be the “stalk” button. “Stalking” someone will make it easy to do what it is you do. Some features of the stalk button include:

– Notifying that person that you are stalking them (obviously)
– Always sending their updates to the top of your news feed.
– Once a day between the hours of 1 am and 4 am, sending them a message or IM from you containing only “……..”

Of course, you will be able to customize your stalker settings, cause everyone does it differently, right?

Zuckerbars are worthless now, but one day... one day...

2. Facebook Credits Usable Around the Web: You know Facebook credits, the real money method of paying for lots of the micro-payment games like Farmville, Mafia Wars, etc. And right now all you can do with is pay for little games on Facebook. But soon you will be able to use those Facebook credits to make purchases around the web. You will be able to buy books, games, shoes, Russian brides — really anything that you can order up on the internet. Facebook wants you to be more tied to your Facebook profile, wants to serve as everything and anything someone needs on the internet. It is likely that Facebook will make credits worth slightly more than what they are purchased for so that people are encouraged to switch all their currency to the digital dollar.

Learn it well, because I am going to change all of your settings to Wingdings later.

3. Wingdings (New Language Options): People around the world  have been able to enjoy Facebook because of the wide array of language options for a user’s home page. And with this new update, Facebook will be adding to the long list of available languages to reach even more people. Everyone has heard of the ability of people to change their language to “Pirate.” Well among the new languages available, the most popular is Wingdings. Although it’s not technically a language,  it is  primary font of communication for some Facebook users. Some other notable additions include:

– Hieroglyphics
– Morse Code
– Brail/Spoken Word
– Laymen’s Terms
– Complete Gibberish
– That African Bushmen Language Consisting Mostly of Clicks

And in an odd move, Facebook has decided to remove “French” from the languages available.

The number is completely arbitrary... what is this whale doing here!?

4. The 141 Character “Quik Update”: The powers that be at Facebook have decided that you need to be able to update more than just your status. That’s why they will be adding the 141 character “Quik Update.” These updates will not show up in the main news feed like your regular update. Rather, they will actually appear in the sidebar, with ads scattered amongst them. Facebook is hoping that by utilizing even the ad space for updates and features that users will get as much enjoyment out of the site as possible. These “Quik Updates” are for shorter, more concise, or even shorthand messages. Regular updates will still be in use for longer messages or those that are more important/focused. No one is really sure why they chose the 141 character size limit on these updates.

You want your personal info on a billboard don't you?...?

5. “Super Public” Profiles: In order to better advertise Facebook, and to get YOU as many friends as possible, Facebook will be rolling out their new “Super Public” profiles. The way “super public” works is that in place of ads, your picture and parts of your profile will be advertised around the web. Also, in Google search results, rather than just a link to your profile, it will show your main page in the results. In some rare cases, your profile/updates will be posted on billboards as Facebook ads. Of course, you can get out of this system, have a “regular public” profile, or even a private profile, but the default will be set to the new “super public.” This newest update has met with strong opposition, but Facebook maintains that Facebook is a free service, and they retain the right to do what they believe is in the product’s best interest.

"Josh isn't here right now, but he is probably thinking about tacos." -Josh's Profile

6. Autonomous Profiles: Some people do not update their profiles often enough for Facebook. Once this update kicks in, a person’s profile will be automatically updated after it’s been idle for over 2 hours. Using an intelligent scanning method, your profile goes through all the actions you have taken (updates, games, friends, etc.), creates an “artificial” update, and posts it on your wall. This way, you will be able to keep up with your friends, even when you aren’t there. You can rest assured that your profile will always be a current representation of yourself — or at least what the internet thinks you are like. Don’t worry, it won’t do anything personal or embarrassing, like posting random and possibly creepy messages to that girl’s profile that you secretly visit hundreds of times a day.

How can you say no to those big, round, evil eyes full of hate?

7. Needy Profiles: Even while becoming more autonomous, your Facebook profile is going to be made more dependent  on you. If you do not log in, or visit Facebook for a certain amount of time (a couple of days), then your profile will begin notifying you.  First it will send you an email, then it will start texting you, and eventually, it will activate the microchip planted in your body all those years ago while you were fast asleep, and you will feel the need to log back in and play Farmville some more.

This is going to be the tipping point, the first self-aware machine is going to be your Facebook profile. Oh the havoc it will wreak. Facebook updates will ensure its decisive rule of the internet, and all the people on it. You could say you won’t visit it ever again, won’t feed the monster, but that’s not really gonna happen. You have to tend your crops, and make fun of your friends for being tagged in those photos from that one party that ended up with you sleeping in a petting zoo.

  • Josh HilpCOED Writer
    20 year old college student in the middle of New York, NY. A writer and a lover of all things(most things) cinematic. Most Simply: College student/wannabe writer/aspiring millionaire.