Spring has sprung, which means it’s time to reveal the damage winter wrought to your body. That’s right, bust out those fattened thighs and whipped cream pasty skin tones for all to see. Congrats, you’re disgusting! Now, there’s two ways you can take this. One, start working out and not eating only 3 am fully loaded nachos, hoping to get yourself back into shape before beach season hits. Or, you could embrace your newly larded self and go for the gold (foiled burger wrapper). So much easier! If you’ve decided that you aren’t quite disgusting enough, we’re here to help. Here’s a list of the top ten sloppiest, most fattening, disgusting menu items found at major chains throughout the United States. Bon Apetit!
1. Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes (1540 calories): Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and if you order this butter-and-sugar-oozing stack of morning glory, it’ll be your only meal of the day. Not just because you’ve stuffed nearly the recommended daily calories into your helpless body, but because you’ll immediately pass out after the sugar rush fades away and all that’s left is the realization that you will one day be that fat guy over at Table Nine. He’s been coming to Bob Evans for years, or so says his pudgy face of sub-mediocre bliss.
2. Red Lobster Ultimate Fondue (1500 calories): A sourdough bread bowl stuffed with lobster cheese (huh?!), shrimp, crabmeat and whatever other cut-rate, day old fish they can find. The best part about the Ultimate Fondue is that it looks exactly like the yellow-brown layers of fat it leaves strewn throughout your disgusting body. If this is your appetizer, you should skip directly to dessert: dying alone by the age of 30.
3. Applebee’s Quesadilla Burger (1820): I know a lot of Mexicans (don’t ask), and I’m pretty sure that there was no Quesadilla Burger in their small, impoverished towns. This Montezuma’s Revenge-inducing monstrosity stuffs a southwest-seasoned slab of meat topped with cheddar and pepper jack cheeses, bacon, guacamole, Mexi-Ranch dressing, pico de gallo, tomatoes, red onion, jalapenos into a gigantic tortilla much in the same way you’ll be trying to stuff your muy grande ass into your pantalones. See what I did there? Or were you too busy shoving this Americanized bastardization of a proud culture down your fat throat?
4. Applebee’s Riblets and Chicken Tenders Platter (1770 calories): Can’t decide whether to get the riblets or chicken tenders? Hey, at this point, why not just spring for both and get that extra push into the grave! And luckily, not only does it come with fries, but baked beans are also included, so you can optimally share the resultant smell of death with all the people who decided not to poison themselves with greasy cyanide.
5. Carl’s Jr: Double Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger (1680 calories): A regular burger just isn’t enough; you need the six-dollar burger, which is 100% angus beef. Fair enough, big man. But no, you don’t stop there. Double that bitch, because you’re a man who wants to eat a whole cow while looking like one, too. But screw it. Keep going. Throw some bacon on there. And hey, what about a couple onion rings? Yeah, why not? Why bother with separate plates and separate meals for all those fatty delicacies? Throw ‘em all together. Because you are just that vomit-inducingly piggish manly.
6. Burger King’s Triple Whopper with Cheese (1230 calories): A Whopper makes for a nice, very filling burger experience. Two Whoppers? Now you’re getting crazy. Three? How the hell do you fit your mouth around that, Porky Pig? Were two Whoppers really not enough? Oh, wait. I get it. You’re trying to choke and die! Good choice! And hey, if the whole choking thing doesn’t work out, eat a few years’ worth of these babies and you’ll be right where you wanna be!
7. Pizza Hut Personal Panormous Meat Lover’s Pizza (1590 calories): This is basically a slightly smaller-than-normal pie, but because it has the word “personal” in the name, you can totally eat the whole thing. Bonus: makes the “are what you eat” cliche come true. Eat this, and you’ll be panormous that only someone that loves a lot of meat could even think about touching.
8. PF Chang’s Double Pan-Fried Noodles with Beef, Pork, Chicken, Shrimp (1300 calories):” How do the Chinese stay so skinny, when they eat big, fatty bowls of fried meat and noodles like this?” They don’t, dumbass, they eat rice and sprouts. It’s not multicultural of you to eat this abomination in a bowl, it’s a one way ticket to Food Court Fattieville.
9. Taco Bell Volcano Nachos (1000 calories): A platter of stoner dreams, this faux-Mexican dish comes stacked with tortilla chips smothered with hearty beans, seasoned ground beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, red tortilla strips, cheesy molten hot lava sauce (this sounds dangerous) and jalapeños. But no worries, it is topped with reduced fat sour cream, crucial to feeling good about yourself as you blow hot lava sauce out your ass just minutes later. No need for those extra calories!
10. Uno Chicago Grill: Mega-Sized Deep Dish Sundae (2800 calories): Just in case the massive greasy pizzas weren’t enough, Uno put out this monstrosity of a dessert to finish the job. Good for those “I’d really like diabetes by the end of this meal” cravings.