The Expendables Is An Action Fan’s Fantasy Come True

By Neal - Johns Hopkins April 12, 2010 3:00 pm Posted in culture, Movies Neal - Johns Hopkins g+ page

You’ve played Fantasy Sports, right? You get to pick the strongest, fastest, biggest, most skilled athletes in their respective positions and assemble a team that rivals any all-star team… for that season. But, what about the All-Time All Star Teams going head to head? Jordan, Kobe, Lebron, Stockton, and Shaq against Magic, Kareem, Bird, Dr. J, and Isiah?

Not a sports fan? Okay. Maybe you write outlandish and impossibly unfathomable fan fic. You propose Batman and Superman vs. Aliens and Predator… oh, that was really published? Hmm, well, the point is we dudes have the amazing and uncanny ability to pose absurd, highly unlikely “What if” scenarios:

What if Robocop took on Kindergarten Cop?

What if The Last Samurai partnered with the Last of the Mohicans?

What if you took the most bad-ass action heroes of our time and put them into one movie?

If you just got goosebumps reading that last hypothetical, then I’ve got the movie for you. The Expendables.

I honestly never thought I’d see this day. When I was a kid I would hear rumors about Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van Damme, and Seagal possibly teaming up for the action flick to end all action flicks but, alas, it never came to fruition. As I grew older the rumors persisted, but with newer generations of action stars combining forces for blockbuster gold. Instead, we got Ocean’s Eleven through Seventeen Million. Quick, name the last action movie you saw with legitimate, name brand action stars outside of Norris vs. Lee. Exactly. The wait is over. I give you The Expendables…

Sylvester Stallone (Rambo series, Rocky series, Demolition Man, Cobra, Tango & Cash, Cliffhanger, Judge Dredd, Death Race 2000) as Barney Ross, the cynical ringmaster of merry mercenaries.

Jason Statham in one of the Transporter movies

Transport-her, Transporter. I get it.

Jason Statham (Crank series, Transporter series, Snatch, Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, Death Race) plays Lee Christmas, the British special forces agent with a thing for blades.

I don't doubt he can do this in real life.

Jet Li (Lethal Weapon 4, War, Cradle 2 the Grave, Fearless, The One, numerous Hong Kong releases I can’t pronounce or spell) plays Yin Yang (haha!) who specializes in close-quarter combat and probably Mortal Kombat.

He received a Master of Arts in "Universe"

Dolph Lundgren (Rocky IV, Universal Soldier series, Masters of the Universe) plays Gunnar Jensen, a sure shot sniper.

Hard to blow up stuff with those gloves on.

Former UFC heavyweight and light-heavyweight champion Randy “The Natural” Couture plays Toll Road, a demolitions expert.

Simple enough. Now, if we could just lower interest rates!

Former WCW, ECW, and WWE Heavyweight Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin plays Paine, the Assistant to the Traveling ex-CIA Villain, James Monroe, who is played by Eric “The Better Roberts” Roberts.

Let me tell you something, Mean Gene!

Comeback Actor of the Millennium and pretty decent Professional Wrestler impersonator Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler, Iron Man 2) plays Tool, a former Expendable, now an arms dealer and tattoo parlor artist/owner.

New talk show: Crews on Cruise... eh, maybe not

Former NFL Linebacker Terry Crews plays Hale Caesar (are you loving these names yet or what?) a “long barrel” weapons specialist.

Excuse me while I go change my undies. That’s a killer lineup. Written and directed by Sylvester Stallone, The Expendables is an ode to the high octane action thrillers of the 80s and early 90s that focuses on a group of mercenaries hired to infiltrate a South American country and overthrow its ruthless dictator, General Gaza. Like the A-Team on Muscle Milk and Andro. So, why is it called “The Expendables?” Spoiler alert, “expendable” in military terms means “an object capable of being sacrificed in order to accomplish a military objective”. The Few, The Proud, The Expendable!

As our all-star cast of Action Jacksons become more entrenched in their mission, they realize they’ve been bamboozled. The explosions will melt your face and the stunts will require you to ice 2-3 times daily. Don’t believe me? Sly Stallone suffered a hairline fracture in his neck after a fight scene with Steve Austin that required emergency surgery and a plate inserted into his neck. Hell, even the rumor machine surrounding this uber-violent testosterone-fest is enough to knock you out – Sandra Bullock, Kurt Russell, Danny Trejo, Steven Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme, Forest Whitaker, Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, and Wesley Snipes were all either interested, targeted, or considered for roles. I say do a prequel with that cast and you got yourself a franchise.