The iPad. If you Google the word, you’ll come across terms like “laptop killer,” “Apple tablet,” and most interestingly, a young man named Ivor Padilla, who uses iPad for his Twitter account. Laptop killer? Do you really want to invest in something that may be involved in a murder? And not just one murder. We’re talking genocide. Buy a Taliban while you’re at it. Apple tablet? What does that even mean? Tablet feels very archaic. Possibly 5th, 6th century B.C. And Apple? Gotta be expensive. The device starts at a recession-ignorant price of $500. And what about poor Ivor? Who came first? iPad the man or iPad the thing? Think we might have a case of copyright infringement on our hands. Or even worse, a very angry Ivor.
Frankly, we’re not impressed. Here are 10 inventions that are much more worthwhile than the iPad:
1. Underground plumbing system
When you think of toilets, cool may not be the first word that comes to mind. But where would we be without the intricate pipe systems we have in America to waste away our waste? We would be using outhouses, smelling feces everywhere we walked, and hating our lives. We would be living in a never-ending tailgate for a bull-riding rodeo.
2. The Martin Jetpack
It may be more expensive than the iPad, but how many of you have always dreamed of being “The Rocketeer?” Glenn Martin and his team have been working for 30 years on developing this revolutionary mode of transport. News broke on March 15th that a jetpack factory will be formed and these babies will be mass-produced. Right now, the pack can travel a total distance of 32 miles and rise to heights equaling 8,000 feet. It can move at a max speed of 63 mph. Imagine having this at college for those long trips across campus to your 9 pm night class. Who am I kidding? Not even jetpacks can motivate lazy, potheads.
Need I say more?
Again, let’s direct our attention to the lazy, potheads. What a concept. Almost as revolutionary as fire or clean water, and definitely just as necessary. Those traffic-jammed drives to the town McDonalds, long waits in the drive-thru lines where nobody can understand anything the intercom spews out, and your awkward inability to line your car up for the perfect exchange of money/food at the 2nd window can now all be avoided. It would only be better if the delivery guys/gals showed up dressed as Ronald McDonald or the Hamburglar. Imagine these two skipping up to your doorway in broad daylight, smiling and singing. I might call the cops.
One of the finest innovations of our time. It was first introduced in 1959 by Bristol-Meyers Company. Since then, it has re-invented itself as weapon (see Naked Gun 2 1/2), backscratcher, and whatever this is. Looks like some type of extraterrestrial probing device. But for the most part, it’s still used for its original purpose, brushing teeth. It eliminates the need for hard brushing and curtails any drastic finger movements. As a result, cramps, callouses, and carpel tunnel syndrome are avoided. Thank you Bristol-Meyers.
Besides shriveling your scrotum and causing long-term heart problems, steroids are amazing. These gym candies can transform you from a run of the mill joe schmo into a superhero. A very rich superhero. You can hit a baseball 500 feet, throw a football 70 yards, and develop more acne than an entire chess club contingent; all while making millions of dollars. Yes, you may be dead by 40, but who cares? Living the life of a superhero for 20 years has to be worth something. C’mon. Who doesn’t want to look like this guy?
Have you ever tasted anything better? The mix of cheesiness, coolness, ranch and spice combine to excite with every bite. A simple touch to your tongue or smell of a newly opened bag can exude a wide array of emotions. Love. Lust. Anger. The addiction to Cool Ranch is a real, and sometimes frightening phenomenon. Finishing an entire bag in one night is not a difficult task. Cool Ranch in the mac and cheese? Why not? Cool Ranch and ketchup sandwich? Absolutely. Cool Ranch cologne? Who wouldn’t want a piece of that?
Remember when this game first came out? I don’t. I wasn’t born yet. But I do remember playing the game when I was 6 years old on Nintendo. Such a simple concept that provided hours upon hours of entertainment. No intricate puzzles to solve or incredibly difficult bosses to beat. When a duck flies by, shoot it. I also have no idea why they kept flying by. They must have known I was there. I would also try out different shooting techniques. I would hide behind my couch and pop and shoot when I heard a quack. Sometimes I would shoot em’ up gangsta’ style. Cock the orange rifle sideways and fire off a couple of rounds, laughing as the ducks fell from the sky. It was a hands-on game of little skill and ample gratification. It was also one first-person shooting game that did not induce kids to go out and shoot their teachers. Only birds.
Who doesn’t like seeing the particles of sweat pour down Tiger Woods’ face as he apologizes to the world for being a man? Who doesn’t love seeing the voluptuous curves of Haley Berry in “Swordfish” or the but her face body of Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler” with such clarity? High Definition television can bring you into Fenway Park. I sometimes find myself trying to catch the t-shirts that are launched into the stands in between innings, elbowing my sister in the face to grab the digital item. Other times I respond to the hot dog guy “Hotdog Heaaahh!” However, sometimes HD is too real. Cameron Diaz looks awful in HD. She looks like she aged about 20 years — I think that’s why she’s been doing so many Pixar films. But that’s also what’s good about High-Def. It brings many of the stars down to your level, making you feel more comfortable with yourself and your own appalling features.
Oh, man! They’re stuck again! The thing about Chinese finger traps is that you never think your fingers are going to get stuck. The trap isn’t that small. Your fingers aren’t that big. But every time, without fail, your fingers get stuck. And once they’re trapped, there’s no telling how much time will pass until they’re free again. Once you are free, you stick your fingers back in, hoping to beat your previous time. Sometimes it depends on how much you fight against the paper pinky prison, and other times it depends on the person. How can your fingers seem eternally imprisoned at one point, and so ambulatory at another? These go along with those other questions regarding China that will never be resolved. Why does China support North Korea? What is in an egg roll? Shhhh….Annncient Chineeese Secrets.