How to Cheat Without Getting Caught
Text messages and Facebook have made it harder than ever to be a two-timer (obligatory Tiger reference). While we may not condone cheating at COED, we also don’t condone COED readers doing anything half-ass. So if you’re going to dabble in the forbidden fruits of infidelity, then at least do it right.
Here is our rough guide to some Do’s and Don’ts to adhere by when delving into the illicit world of cheating.
Unless you’re famous, you probably don’t have to worry about the other girl saving your text messages. The last time you checked TMZ wasn’t following your around, right? However, having your girlfriend discover a text reading, “OMG, last night was SO Good” from some chick named Tiffany is unexplainable evidence that leaves your ass guilty. Think of it as a criminal leaving his fingerprints at the scene of a crime…as well his ID, cell phone, and business card.
They were there before you and sure enough, if you fool around with one of them, they will be there when you’re gone. The chances of them suddenly feeling bad one night and confessing to your girlfriend about how they’ve been fooling around with you are high. She’ll be forgiven, you will not. Then you’ll be left with no one to hook up with you.
Never trust the other person. One slip and the girl you were just trying to get a little action from is suddenly the mother of your new child. You wanted her in your life for a couple weeks, now she’ll be around for the rest of your life! Not to mention that coming home with an STD that you didn’t have a couple months ago is awfully suspicious and downright shitty. Take it from Snoop: “You never know, she could be learning her man, earning her man, and at the same time, burning her man.” Word.
One, you never know when your lady is going to show up unexpected as a “surprise.” Two, every item in that purse, is one more item that can be left at your house and leave your girlfriend asking where the hell it came from. Three, a woman’s hair is always falling out and getting all over the place. A couple of long blond, strands will certainly make your brunette baby wonder. Four, if she turns out to be crazy and obsessive after your break it off, at least she won’t know where you live.
There’s a big difference between hooking up with someone else and dating them. Listen, if you want to date someone else, then grow a pair and break it off. Otherwise, infidelity should be short and sweet. The longer you fool around with someone, the higher the chances are of getting caught and/or making that “other” person start thinking that your actually want a relationship with them.
Having some girl who your girlfriend has never met suddenly writing on your wall and liking your status updates is a sure way to making her suspicious. Instead, set up a secret Myspace account for yourself where you can exchange messages. As long as you don’t have a pedophile background, your girlfriend will never even suspect that you have a Myspace.
Do Tell No One and Trust No One
Every person who knows you’re two-timing now has dirt on you by which you can be blackmailed. Plus, you never know when Jim from the office is going to be a bit too drunk at that weekend BBQ and let something slip from his mouth in front of your girl.
The last thing you want is a hotel room showing up on credit card statement or a receipt from BK with two of everything on it. Always carry around wads of cash and always make sure to rip up and burn any unwanted receipts before burying them 10 feet under.