During the summer before my senior year of college I had a drunken one-night stand with a girl. We’ll call her Sandra. The following morning, I lent Sandra a pair of my gym shorts and sent her on a standard walk of shame out my front door. Of course, Sandra ended up being one of the people who prepared students to walk across the stage at my college graduation. It was awkward to casually shake someone’s hand who you’ve been literally inside of. You know the most intimate things about that person: how big their nipples are, whether they shave (she didn’t), the words they whisper in their sleep, the melody of their orgasm, whether they swallow…And then it all just comes down to a simple, sweaty-palmed handshake and a mumbled “congratulations.”
Awkward. Consequentially, here is a list of eight ways to avoid awkwardness after a drunken one-night stand (four ways for the night of and four ways for the days after):
1. When you bang, bang well – People tend to respect other people who know what they’re doing. You want your fling to see you the next day on campus and pat herself on the back for having bedded you. You should be worthy of their mantle. Therefore, while in bed, make sure you’re hitting all the right spots and letting your fling know it when she hits yours. Not only does a great lay bury awkwardness six feet under, it typically leads to even more hanky panky.
2. Keep a leash on the S & M – Lasso any kind of kinky shit that you’re into during your one-night stand. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have fun. However, the knowledge of your naughty necessities should be only be on tap with someone you trust. Your most intimate fantasies may be a little awkward without your lay having enough context to your character. Bang well; however, keep your fetishes on a tight leash because, sadly, people set their opinion of a person in stone after a mere first impression.
3. Semen is the only bodily fluid that should get her wet – Back in college, one of my drunken friends passed out…while he was still literally inside of a lady friend. Fortunately for my friend, he took the precaution of wearing a ‘raincoat.’ Unfortunately for the girl, she never checked that night’s weather forecast: about 80 degrees and partly cloudy with a slight chance of golden showers. His urinary torrential downfall burst through the raincoat…all up inside of her. All over the bed. Therefore guys, in this particular case it is always wise to lift the toilet seat and empty your gas tank before you slip under a girl’s sheets and rev up the engine.
4. Don’t be greedy. Only Moses should part the Red Sea – One night some years ago, a friend of mine threw one too many back and went south of the border on a girl…what the girl failed to tell him was that it was arts and crafts time in panty land. The following morning, my friend glanced in the bathroom mirror..wait, what is that? Is that…did I drink Kool-Aid last night? No, Kool-Aid that is not. Yes, I indeed used my tongue to mop up ‘that time of the month.’ It’s too bad that kissing only one pair of lips wasn’t enough to satisfy him. Seeing the girl on campus after that incident must have been, to say the least, bloody awkward.
5. Get a green-light from the mirror – The all-important self-image yet again. You don’t want your lay to look at you on campus the following day and then chastise Budweiser for the beer goggles. If so, from then on when you acknowledge your lay you’ll get a turned head and hear crickets. Shower. Dress decently. Brush your damn teeth. Smile. Your own mirror should want to bang you before you walk out the door. Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the studliest cock of all?
6. Your mouth is for head, leave it at that – Your lay received great pleasure from your mouth…so don’t run it to everyone about how badass you are for bagging her. We’re all adults now. If you brag, your girl will find out and she’ll see right through your insecurity. Don’t expect a booty call or even a ‘hello’ after that. Therefore, be modest. You got some and you know it. That should be enough.
7. Just make the call – This suggestion is simply just a decent thing to do. Whether you want to go another round with this person sometime or if you just want to throw in the towel, get their digits and give them a call the day the after. Calling is polite. The bricks of your fling’s self-respect may have crumbled to rubble the night before. Calling can help to rebuild that person’s self-respect. By the way, don’t text your fling. Otherwise, you’ll end up being no more than a silent, hollow digital projection to her.
8. Ripples only belong in the water (and in Ruffles)– You had irresponsible, drunken sex with each other. People make mistakes. That ship has already set sail. So, don’t try to sink it. You still want to be friends with your fling? Then talk about the one-night stand with your fling. Joke about it with her. Trying to forget about that night only leads to ripples of awkwardness. As those ripples swell into a squall, you’ll drift further and further away from each other every day. Eventually, there will be an ocean between you…food for thought.