So we all know it’s coming at this point, the Zombie Apocalypse is inevitable. The only question now is, are you ready to fend off your neighbors, the mailman, and that hot chick from the gym as they attempt to eat your brains? Do you have the stamina, speed, and intelligence to fend off the living dead and survive longer than every person in a zombie movie ever (so a couple of days, maybe a week or two if montages are involved)?
Anti-Zombie Exercises: Fairly obviously, in the case of the Zombie Apocalypse, the fatties go first, it’s not hating or insulting, it’s just science. Any exercise then, is a good idea for preparing for your days of avoiding the hordes of malevolent undead. However, I have discovered a couple exercises that will prepare body and mind equally for the coming terror of the post zombie-outbreak rat-race.
The Shotgun Crunch:
Those core muscles are really gonna come in handy when you have to scale walls and leap over fences to escape your undead pursuers. But any old stomach tightening workout is not enough. It’s very similar to the regular stomach crunch and the main difference is that addition of your favorite shotgun (or whichever one you don’t mind getting a little sweaty, whichever goes best with your outfit, whatever.) Lay on your back holding the shotgun in the “ready” position, and every time you sit up, cock the gun and feel the burn rush through your entire core, then back down. You can also sit up, cock, fire at the nearest zombie milling about outside your perimeter, and lay back down.
Aptly named, this workout is one of the best post-apocalypse, cardio routine you will find anywhere. What you need to do is get some comfortable clothes. Go outside onto an empty street or a nearby large, mostly empty building, and find yourself a lone muncher. Run up, and tag them in as giddy a fashion as you can manage (imagine it as a game of tag.) Now as long as zombies are fast runners, which is recently becoming more commonly accepted then the slow shuffle, you will then run for your life from the metaphorical bear that you just poked. This should give you a good 10 – 20 minutes of very motivated, rather fast running, and if you should get too tired to go on, you can then work on your zombie fighting skills as a cool down. (Alternately, if you don’t have a zombie handy, or you just don’t want to play that dangerous game, get yourself a fast friend, a stun gun, and commence cardio.)
Zombie Myths/Misconceptions: So everyone has their plan for when the undead start this whole thing. Most of those involve something that will likely get you killed rather quickly, or at the very least munching some brains with your fellow zombies.
Head-shots are fine and good if you have one zombie chasing you and you want to take them out in grand fashion. Or if you happen to be a movie star who needs to make it all very dramatic and frightening. But it is more likely that you are not a movie star and you are facing the multitudes of zombies who don’t care how fancily you kill them (again). If you take the time to aim carefully for the head, the hordes will be closing in on you before you have had the time to pop of three or four zombies in expert fashion. You are better off emptying clips as fast as you can into the masses of the undead and hoping you can hit heads, knees, or whatever will slow them down. And for conserving ammo, that pile of saved ammo is not gonna do you much good when you are being eaten. Unload as fast as you can, and if you do run out of ammo, either get some more, or just start running.
Grab a chainsaw and go nuts:
Now I will be the first to admit that wielding a chainsaw is nothing but fun. But it is going to be the fastest and most efficient way possible to turn yourself into a zombie. By now, it is fairly common knowledge that the blood and other bodily fluids (hopefully blood) is what makes you into a zombie. Get it into your mouth, an open cut, an eye, nose, anything, and you will be on your way to having honey bunches of people for breakfast. And what better way to cover yourself head to toe in infected zombie blood then to cut one down with a spinning toothed chain at however fast those things go. Now, if you must use a chainsaw for personal reasons or what have you, a pro-tip is to get a paintball mask, which protects the mouth, eyes and nose from splatter.
Zombie Fighting Tactics: We just covered a little bit of what not to do, and now we are gonna cover a couple of tactics that are steadfast ways to survive this apocalypse.
When in doubt, blow it up:
Explosives are always a good idea when destruction and “survival” are on the agenda. That is, considering that you can avoid being in the explosion when the device goes off, and can avoid zombie bits and pieces raining down on you from above. I suggest a remote detonator and or… an umbrella, it’s gonna get messy. Take care of a great number of zombies in as efficient a way as possible, just make sure to be safe when implementing them. (pro-tip: make the most sober person available do the exploding, it’s just a good idea, trust me.)
The Rolling Bullet Buffet (trademark, patent-pending):
If you do need to do any travels in the zombie infested world, or if you just want to participate in the Zombie Apocalyptic version of fishing, then get yourself a Rolling Bullet Buffet (trademark, patent-pending.) Get a pick-up truck or something similar with an empty back and a lot of durability and force under the hood, a cooler or two of snacks and/or your favorite drink, a couple of friends, and lots and lots of machine guns and ammo. The idea is simple, keep moving, don’t get caught by the multitudes, and never go out alone. (Sadly the designated driver does have to stay sober, those zombie police are real sticklers.)
So be sure to start doing the anti-zombie exercises, educate yourself on zombie myths and misconceptions, be smart and tactile in your methods of survival, and most importantly, keep your eyes open, zombies can be anywhere, or anyone!