Okay. You know how they say that first impressions mean everything? They’re completely right. Even down to what drink’s in your hand. So make the right impression by ordering the right drink..
1. Guy’s Night Out – Bombs
Bombs are a masculine drink that generally lead to waking up in gutters. They taste god-awful, but that’s okay because they’re not exactly a sippin’ drink. Let me clarify – you don’t drink these for the taste. When a girl sees a guy out with his friends and they’re doing bear fights (series of bombs in rapid succession), she assumes he’s cool, laid-back, and a man’s man. She’s the kind of girl who will wear your shirt when you’re not home because the smell of you (and your masculinity) turns her on.
3/4 pint Guinness® stout
1/2 shot Bailey’s® Irish cream
1/2 shot Jameson® Irish whiskey
Add the Bailey’s and Jameson to a shot glass, layering the Bailey’s on the bottom. Pour the Guinness into a pint glass or beer mug 3/4 of the way full and let settle. Drop the shot glass into the Guinness and chug. If you don’t drink it fast enough it will curdle and increasingly taste worse.
1/2 can Red Bull® energy drink
1 – 2 oz Jagermeister® herbal liqueur
Pour red bull into a medium sized glass. Add a shot glass of jagermeister, and chug.
2. First Date – Single Malt Scotch
Single malt scotch is the quintessential “man’s” drink. The older it is, the more expensive it is, and the better it tastes. Very good brands can cost over $500/bottle, so drink it right. The classic scotch experience begins in a rocks glass with two (count ’em, two) pristine ice cubes. The ice cubes must be made from distilled water to keep nasty impurities from contaminating it. Do not stir it, do not swirl it. Allow it to remain undisturbed, with the heat from the alcohol slowly melting the ice, which in turn does delightful things to the scotch. Move it only to drink it. And when you do drink it, do so very nonchalantly, with the slightest amused crinkle around the eye, and a little half-grin. You will be the picture of sophistication and suavity — and women love that.
Try: Dalmore 15-year, Bushmills 1608, or Jameson Rarest Vintage
3. Breakfast – Bloody Mary
Bloody Mary’s are awesome breakfast drinks… and healthy, too! Nothing like getting your full serving of vegetables while you’re getting drunk. When most people think of breakfast drinks, they think of mimosas. But you’re not a woman and you don’t want to sit around holding a champagne flute full of fizzy citrus first thing in the morning. No, you want a hearty, robust drink that will march down your throat and start demanding things! Okay, okay, if you really hate tomato juice you can have a screwdriver instead. But sooner or later, the Mary’s gonna get you….
Add Smirnoff No.21 Vodka, tomato juice, red hot sauce, green hot sauce, worchester sauce, lemon juice, pinch of salt, pinch of pepper.
Pour back and forth between two mixing glasses.
Strain into an ice-filled highball glass.
Garnish with celery stalk.
4. Bachelor Party – SHOTS!!!
Shots are designed specifically to enable you to consume the highest concentration of alcohol in the smallest possible volume. They are the ideal drink for bachelor parties because not only will they get you wasted, but they will do it from a stripper’s cleavage. And also because most bars (especially the naked lady varieties) have shot specials, so everyone can get equally hammered and still have money left over for iHOP on the way home.
5. Wedding Night – Very Expensive Champagne
Your wedding night belongs to the two of you — and you belong to her. No matter where you take her after the reception, there should be rose petals everywhere, a bubbling hot tub, and a chilled bottle of the best champagne you can afford. Even a little more than you can technically afford, after all, this is a special occasion. The sweet fizziness will go to your heads, make you silly, and lead to you know what. The high sugar content will also energize you a bit after what has most likely been one of the most stressful days of your life. Champagne should always be drunk out of flutes and never those wide-mouth champagne glasses you see in movies. Flutes hold the bubbles in, and if you’re dropping a couple of bills on a bottle, you’re gonna want those bubbles!
6. Business Lunch -Microbrew
Okay, first things first. Don’t be the first one to order a drink at a business lunch. It’s the middle of the day and you’re technically on duty, so lunchtime boozing can make you look bad. That said, follow the lead of the most senior person at the table – if he orders water, then you should too. If he orders scotch, you should not – in a business setting, scotch is shared among equals, and you are not his. It doesn’t mean you have to blow bubbles in chocolate milk, though. Ordering a local microbrew or specialty beer shows that you care about the taste and origin of your beverage without looking too frat-boy. Beer is relatively tame, alcohol-wise, and you’re only going to have one, right? right? No getting drunk in front of the boss, EVER!
7. Office Party- Martini
Speaking of not getting drunk in front of the boss, don’t do it at the office party, either. However it is okay to drink even if the boss is not (he will be). Your best bet for a class drink is a martini. It’s always a symbol of sophistication and elegance and it projects the upscale image you want your boss and coworkers to have of you. Don’t like martinis? What’s wrong with you? Just kidding – have a gin and tonic or vodka tonic instead. Just don’t tie up the bartender with complicated drink recipes, or walk around carrying an umbrella drink in a coconut shell. And no keg stands.
5ml (or approx 2+ 1/2 oz) Gin
15ml (or approx 1/4 oz) Dry Vermouth
1 green olive OR a twist of lemon peel
6 ice cubes
In a shaker, combine a handful of ice cubes, gin, and vermouth.
Strain and pour into a martini glass.
To finish, either drop a green olive into the bottom of the martini glass OR arrange a twist of lemon peel on the edge of the martini glass.
8. Family Holiday – Irish Coffee
So, 1 1/2 oz Irish whiskey
1 tsp brown sugar
6 oz hot coffee
Combine whiskey, sugar and coffee in a mug and stir to dissolve. Float cold cream gently on top. Do not mix it.
9. Romantic Night – Red Wine
Red wine creates a mood all its own. The buzz is a warm, fuzzy one, and the sound of the wine being poured into a glass sets the stage for quite the romantic evening. You will look dashing and sophisticated as you hold the wine up to the light, swirling ever so gently, and noting the “bouquet”. She will look positively edible as she stares at you seductively over the rim of her glass. The ruby wine will compliment her ruby lips, which will be roaming your neck before the bottle is empty. For best results, consume in front of a fire while listening to jazz.
Try: Pinot noir Reserve Clos du Bois 2006, Columbia Crest Grand Estates Merlot 2006, and Domaine du Vieux Telegraphe Chateaueneuf du Pape la Crau 2007
10. Vacation – Local Specialties
Vacation is a time to kick back and relax, but it’s also a time to learn about new places and cultures. In the interest of your education, I am formally advising you to do your homework before you go. Find out what drinks your destination is famous for and try them, each and every one. Going to a fruity, tropical place? Have a fruity, tropical drink! Touring Italy? Taste the wine, but don’t forget about limoncello! Mexico? Hey, tequila! See where I’m going? And no matter where you’re going, the locals will most likely fall all over themselves trying to drink the tourist under the table. Just watch your wallet.
- Italy – Limoncello
- England – Guinness
- Greece – Ouzo
- Mexico – Tequila
- Russia – Vodka
- Japan – Sake
- Brazil – Caipirinha
- Netherlands – Jenever
*Don’t buy big name brands of these drinks while you’re there. Try locally-brewed or even home-brewed samples for an authentic experience.