What Your Drink Says About You

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Today’s stereotyping doesn’t come from skin color, religion, or sexual preference (well it does, but not for the sake of this article). Today’s stereotyping comes from the products that you buy and the possessions that you own. Here are the stereotypes that come along with the alcohol you drink.

Domestic Light Beer – You like to yell. You like to yell in groups. You like to give high fives, smash cans, and bang chicks. The light beer drinker is the beer game champion. You are always up for a game of beer pong, a case race, or a riveting game of point and drink.


Your life revolves around quantity. Who carers if it tastes like watered down piss because you could drink a million of them. You love watching Man vs. Food, Sports, and think it’s funny to call your gay friend fag. People like you because you’re social. Your house is a shit hole but it’s ok, because it’s where every one comes to party.

Domestic Beer – You used to be an athlete.

Wine – You’re a very social person but prefer to go to parties where you can actually talk to the person next to you. You avoid overcrowded bars and chaotic house parties. You’ve got class, or at least you want people to think you have class. You may not be able to afford a nice bottle of wine yet, but you have aspirations. You still swirl and sniff your wine even if it comes out of a box and into a plastic cup. You aren’t pretentious yet, but you dream of the day where you can look down on people.

Malt Liquor – Just because you don’t have money doesn’t mean that you can’t have a good time. You know how to get drunk, and you know how to get drunk fast.

You aren’t sure what your friends real first names are, and you smoke blunts. You love house parties but you’re usually pretty drunk by the time you get there. People know you, but they aren’t sure what your name is either. You’re welcome just about everywhere you go, but the wine drinkers seem to be afraid of you, even though they hug you when you walk in the door.

Vodka – A Vodka drinker is as versatile as their liquor of choice. They drink according to the time of day and the mood that they’re in.

Jello Shots – You hate the taste of liquor but you love  to get drunk. You are a shy person when sober, but after a few of these magical globs of gelatin you put Lindsay Lohan to shame.

Bloody Mary’s – You are a true alcoholic who knows the number one rule of alcoholism. You need to bite the hair of the dog that bit you. There isn’t a time of day that you wouldn’t rather be drinking.

Vodka Tonic – You’re a chick, or you care more about your body than a good time.

White Russians – You love The Big Lebowski. You wish that people would call you “the dude,” but you don’t want to ask. You’re a pretty relaxed guy anyways, though, and you like the way that you look holding a drink.

Red Bull and Vodka – You like things extreme – but so do the rest of the X-Games followers that are the biggest non conformity screaming conformists on the planet. [begin sarcasm] Add some Mountain Dew in there and you have a real man’s drink. You might be a partier. You might be a speed freak you might be dancing all night long.  Hey maybe you’re not such a follower, maybe you just couldn’t find any cocaine at the last minute.

Cosmo – Girls, you’re uptight, chatty, annoying, you think sleeping with a guy is a favor, and you consider yourself a catch.  You probably went to see Sex in the City opening week with your girlfriends (likely while your guys was out fantasizing about a tequila girl.)

Cosmo Guys?  Please.  There’s no such thing.

Tequila – Most drinkers might call it quits after they get kicked out of a bar, but not a tequila drinker. They are the true, the proud.  The hard core party people that liven it up where ever they go. I don’t care how you consume your tequila, whether it’s a shot, a margarita, or off some large woman’s tit, it all means the same thing – the party is with these people. My favorite part of any night is the next morning when I get to hear about what happened from the tequila drinker’s perspective.  tequila drinkers make good stories.

Tequila for Women – Drinking tequila is like holding a sign saying I’m a fun chick. You’re wild, fun, sexy, and every guy at the bar is watching you. Even though you are announcing that you are open for business, it’s going to take a real man to keep up with you. You’re in for a long, wild night, and any man that can’t keep up isn’t worth your time.

Margaritas – You feel comfortable under palm fronds and wish that you were at the beach.  You beach party and bon fire as often as possible, and yearn for more sex on the beach (not the cocktail.)

Upside Down MargaritasWho needs a cup, just make it in my mouth. You’ve lost all inhibitions and are one step away from jail, marriage, millions or all three.

Whiskey – You’re a fighter, but not in that mean dickish way. You just know how to settle an argument. You’re the first to pick the guy up off the ground and get him another drink. You don’t hold grudges but your temper flares easily.

You’re an observer. You also always have a joke or a story ready, but sometimes the liquor does the talking for you. You know why people go to the bar and it isn’t to chase ass, it’s to get drunk. You’ve got your favorite spot at the bar, you’ve got your favorite bartender, and you pay for good service.

Gin – A gin drinker is like a vodka drinker but with a little extra hair on their balls.

Martini – You’ve officially burned off all of your taste buds, but still make ridiculous requests from your bartender. It goes cherry, olive, blue cheese, cherry, and don’t use a toothpick, the wood gives off a bad flavor. Do you have any plastic swords?

Gin and Juice – You’re music tastes haven’t changed since the 8th grade, and either has your drink. You don’t like the taste of gin and juice, but you just can’t help yourself from saying it. Ignore those awkward looks at the bar, they’re just jealous.

Rum Straight – You’ve never had rum, or you’re a pirate.

Mojitos – The bartender is dating your ex-girlfriend and you feel like being a dick.

Pina Colada – You love sing along songs, dancing in the rain, and can’t stand wearing shoes. You have a terrible habit of saying that it’s 5 o’clock somewhere every time you pick up a drink. But despite your annoying habits, you’re a pretty fun drunk. You’ve always got something nice to say, usually a movie quote, you make friends with everyone, and never seem to get angry.

Rum and Coke – You’re simple. You don’t need anything fancy to have a good time. Actually, rum and coke is fancy for you. You’re typically a beer drinker but tonight you are going to get nuts. You aren’t used to hard liquor and drink you’re rum and cokes at an amazingly fast speed. You are usually the first to pass out, but you go down in a flame of glory.

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