Top 5 Reasons the Author of Twilight Should be Sued (or Beat Down)

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When it comes to bad books, Twilight takes the cake.  Here’s my top five reasons why someone should sue Stephanie Meyer. And fast!

Number 5: Sparkly Vampires
Dracula has rolled over in his coffin.

Edward brings shame to the game.

In Twilight, the Vampires only weakness (since they are super fast, have super strength and cannot be killed by us mere mortals) is sunlight, but not because they burst into flames, but because they sparkle in the sun. Like diamonds. Any real vampire fan would be filled with disgust.  Not only do we have to say goodbye to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but we can’t even run into the sunlight for protection. What is the world coming to? We’re all going to feel the wrath of the Twilight Vampires!

Number 4: Edwards Looks Ad Nauseum
There are over 160 references to Edwards beauty (even to his breath. Ewww Please!) in the first Twilight movie alone.

I don’t know about you, but a scrawny, paste-y white boy with bad hair and a face like a fish is not attractive. Gone are the days when Blade and Spike where the vampire heart throbs. Prepare yourself boys, your about to be replaced with the most pathetic excuse for a vampire ever, ( as if sparkling wasn’t gay enough. Vampire Sparkle . . .Sheesh.) A word of advice, if your other half is a Twi-Hard, dump her. Because you’ll never be as great as Edward and lets face it, if she thinks stalking is romantic, there is something wrong with her.  Phoey on her for ruining relationships worldwide with beating into young girls heads that this lame, tame, 8 year old frame tool is hot.  Twilight sucks – pass it on.

Number 3: Destroying the classic and fearsome reputation of Vampires with nonsense, and teen angst.
I may be a girl, but I love nothing more than blood and guts.  I don’t want long stares into eyes unless they’re followed with a massive bite to the jugular and spurting blood everywhere. I want bloody bodies and Dracula! Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I want sexy and seductive, and deadly.   Most vampire films showed Vampires as powerful and seductive, able to woo the opposite sex into giving up their blood. Now-a-days, girls think vampires are romantic and sweet, and would make the perfect boyfriend. Disturbing right? Next thing Zombies will be sexy and cute. I think I’m going to be sick.

What? No Late Night Rub & Tugs?

Number 2: No Sex in The Champagne Room.
Any decent vampire film at least hints at giant vampire orgies. Blade. Bram Stoker’s Dracula. If you’re dead and sexy, why not? In Twilight, even kissing seems like a taboo action (that in the film is accompanied by moans and groans, making for an awkward few minutes). It’s like watching Priest without any supple young boys around. If Edward had been sexless for 107 years, there is something wrong (Plus I’ve heard that’s very dangerous for a guy.  In fact I once had to – wait that’s a story for another time.) You know I’m right boys. Could you go 107 years without sex? Personally, I try  not to let 4 hours pass.  If only we could start a class action suit for lack of Vampire sex – we’d all be rich!

Number 1: Stolen plot lines.
Now this is the big one.

The novels ‘The Southern Vampire Mysteries’ (which the TV series True Blood was based on), a mind reading mortal named “Sookie” (Not to be confused with the girl that can’t read Dr. Suess “Snookie”) falls in love with a vampire whose mind she cannot read (and his abs which he named “The Situation” -j/k.)
In Twilight, a mind reading vampire called Edward falls in love with a girl, who’s mind he cannot read.

Both of them are ‘forbidden romances’, containing your ordinary girl getting the sexy untouchable guy. Really. What are the chances of two vampire novels containing mind reader who fall for those who’s minds they can’t read? Pretty damn slim.

SUE!

P.S. The Southern Vampire Mysteries was published in 2001, four years before Stephanie Meyers Twilight was published. Definitely sue worthy!

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