Television Gold: The Top Five Maury Guests

‚ By 

It’s hard to believe for most television viewers, but primetime isn’t between 8pm and 10pm. It’s between 12pm and 1pm and it’s on your local, but much little known, news channel. It’s the Maury show and it’s been pumping out white trash and ghettorific gems for nearly 20 years now.

The Maury show began in 1991 and features many segments such as “Who’s my baby’s daddy?”, “Out of Control Teens”, and “Family Sex Secrets Revealed”, which all add up to a show that has a reason for being around 20 years and has a renewed contract that is set for it to last until at least 2012 which means the end of the world will be determined if the Maury Show continues.

"Shit"-Cw Executive

There are many not keen on the idea of a classy talk show such as Maury and compare it to the likes of the Jerry Springer Show. Now while there are some similarities, it is the differences that set Maury far and beyond the trash that is the Springer Show. While on Springer, you will see two overweight midgets mud wrestling over a transvestite, on Maury you will see those two same midgets discuss their problems first and then have the crowd yell whether they are sluts or not.

We have been entertained for 19 years now thanks to the exploits of Maury Povich and now we dedicate this list to him and his ability to bring families together while tearing their homes apart.

5:The movie Up! The modern day Exorcist.

When Maury isn’t giving paternity tests or holding back laughter from 20 years of exploitation and getting paid for it, he’s revealing strange phobias of strange people. On this specific episode, Maury introduced ladies with phobias to mustard, birds, and pickles, and in the case we are about to show you: balloons. The woman is trembling in fear because of the possibility that the Hindenberg’s Nazi spirit is sure to show up right there in the Maury studio and is not helped when she becomes completely surrounded by colorful, helium filled nightmares.

Memorable Moment: As the woman runs away in fear from balloons being carried out onto the set, she runs backstage and in probably the most perfect timing ever, Maury yells: Oh no, don’t go back there, thats worse. The women is confronted by hundred’s of more balloons where she then crouches into the fetal position and is comforted by Maury who brings her back on set to once again, be encountered by balloons.

4: Valchas and his father are here to prove he only fathered 16 kids.

The classic Maury Show usually consists of at least one memorable paternity test and on this episode we meet Valchas and his father who decided to show up in drag possibly as a teaser for next episode. We go onto learn that Valchas is accused of fathering 21 kids, but has been cleared of four of the mistakes so far and is hoping this will be his final appearance on the show and will finally drop his family down to 16. The accuser, Jessica, also says the father could be Valchas’ cousin Chris who only adds more laughs on another soon to be welfare case.

Memorable Moment: Chris breaks out a condom and claims to “stay strapped” moments before the DNA test reveal he is the father summing up the lesson always wrap it up twice.

3: Now introducing McDonalds new dollar menu item: 14 year old whores.

Ahh yes, the always popular out of control teens. As a teenager, I enjoyed basketball, video games, and only had sex for items when the newest Grand Theft Auto was coming out. 14 year old Angelique though takes it another step further by not only satisfying her desire for grown men, but also for hunger.  When she’s not beating her little cousin or calling her sister a whore or having sex with 30 guys since she was 11, she’s turning tricks behind McDonalds.

Memorable Moment: After admitting she had sex for a cheeseburger, she claims she did it for fast money. If this was intended to be a pun, then by God Angelique is already qualified to write for SNL.

2: Who’s dumber? The one that claims to be kidnapped three times or the one that believes it?

Heather and Todd are a happily married couple with one recurring problem. Todd keeps getting kidnapped and not coming home for days a time claiming that he was able to escape the second kidnapping and was gone for five days because he had to walk home, rather than calling the police or taking a bus or not being a cheating douchebag. Uncharacteristic of Maury to take even the dumbest accusations seriously, he laughs for a good two minutes about the idea, while Heather keeps the same stone cold face on and can’t believe that Maury would dare to laugh at something so heinous a crime of kidnapping.

Memorable Moment: Because it is a recap show, we find out what happens to them after the show and as expected they’re still together and now have a child to put at risk due to Todd’s ability to be kidnapped.

1: The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Alycia and Paul(Pao?) are happily together, but it’s Alycia’s best friend Dominique that keeps getting in the way of their relationship. While Dominique is not the most handsome of women, she supposedly can cook a mean chicken tettrizini and is trying to seduce Alycia’s man with the tasty delight. Hilarity ensues:

Memorable Moment: It’s not seen in the video, but Paul did in fact cheat on Alycia with Dominique. Could it have been because of the chicken tettrizini? We’ll never know. The fact that this is number one is because of how huge this lie detector has gotten. There are more parody’s of this Maury clip than any other scene in it’s 19 year history and it has a larger cult following than Jim Jones.

Maury’s been spiking the kool aid for years.

A King amongst men. A terrible, terrible king.





Comments
The Backyard: Best Of The Web