John Mayer’s 16 Douchiest Quotes So Far
Honestly, I never paid too much attention to John Mayer. Sure, his earlier music hits were like lollipops from a candy store: cheap, simple and sweet and the words to those songs just came out of my mouth like I was born knowing them. In no way did I ever think about what he was up to, ever. Then his relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston became tabloid fodder and he started talking, a lot. Now I can’t escape John Mayer, even if I flew to the moon.
John has a medical condition widely known as “Diarrhea of the mouth.”
Don't date John - he has issues
I thought it was bad when, in the latest issue of Rolling Stone Magazine, home boy talked about a current “relationship” with some random woman and his ex, Jennifer Aniston:
“I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the ’s’ in Dimples was a dollar sign… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. I still feel like I’m with them, in the sense that if I f—ed Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen? I feel like it’s all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people?”
He doesn’t stop at his feelings for Jennifer. He also opens up about Tiger Woods and says “I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.” Ugh. That was just too much information, man.
The honesty that was oozing out of John in the Rolling Stone interview just wasn’t enough for him, however.
In the March 2010 issue of Playboy Magazine, John’s confessional rants explode yet again.
John’s take on porn: “When I watch porn, if it’s not hot enough, I’ll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.” Get in line, buddy.
John and black women: “I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.” I have no words.
John and Jessica Simpson: “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.” Are there Hallmark cards for this sentiment?
Look out, Jess - his hair is going to devour you!
I thought I’d try to get to know the man better. I mean, who am I to judge this guy? How do you do this? Follow their Twitter page.
Here are tweets from John Mayer from the past three months (in no particular order) that let me into his world:
“My six word story ‘my heart didn’t come with instructions.’” Please, John, do NOT write a song with these lyrics in them. I did that in the sixth grade and I will sue you.
“Most compelling part of Avatar? The man next to me at the urinal who pulled his pants and boxers down to his knees. Alien indeed.” Roger Ebert, your job is safe.
“Huffington Post: America’s trusted source for political news and side boob. The Costco of editorial tone.” Arianna, you have my permission to slap this guy.
“The following tweet takes place between 6:58 AM and 6:58 AM.” Okay, I actually giggled at this one.
“My mouth is the Don King of my penis.” Stop with these references to your penis already. I get it. You like your penis. Let’s move on, shall we?
“Dumb: ‘Epic fail,’ a phrase used to make fun of someone’s failed attempts, written by people living in their parents’ basements.” I immediately flashed to an image of Kevin Smith from “Live Free or Die Hard” in the basement of his mom’s house.
“Sade to release new album in 2010, sending shares of KY warming lube skyrocketing.” I wonder if John has stock options in this company?
“I’ve got to finish boning my mistress early so that I can go home and explain to my kid that he’s lost a role model. What a shame.” I love his use of “boning” in this sentence. Perhaps he should teach an AP English class for high school kids. Role models – we need more.
“I need to stop taking pills with names that are palindromes: Xanax, H-Coninoch, Lipilipil, Seresiseres XR, Odin’s Fury” Maybe you should just stop taking pills altogether.
“I don’t like this savory smell of cooking wafting from the apartment next door. It’s cocky. ‘Look at me, I buy groceries and have a family.’” Bitter much?
“I need to learn how to start saying no. Like when someone says ‘please stop choking me.’” I have this horrible S & M image of John and some random girl. I am eternally creeped out.
Conclusion: if you’re a blowhard, douchebag and all-around jerk, you’re going to like John Mayer.
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I really enjoyed your column! Like you, I never really paid attention to him other than the music. I really enjoy most of it. Now, the more I hear about him as a person — outside the music, the more I have a hard time listening to his work….too bad, should have just kept his mouth shut!
I find these quotes to be honest, refreshing and self revealing. So I must be a "blowhard, douchebag and all-around jerk". You used "douchiest", "diarrhea mouth"and "douchebag" in your 2nd grade rant. What does that make you??
i love the way he speaks freely, i mean why not. he sounds like an intelligent man with a crass but clever sense of humor. all u did was quote him and add snippets of brilliance like "get in line" and "bitter much?" come on, at least john mayer can come up with something memorable.
I found him hilarious!! And what's even more hilarious is that he has nothing bad to say about Chinnifer; doesn't that tell you she's BORING AS HELL??
Okay unless you're the one dating him, this shouldn't bother you people. He's not perfect he's young, single and this is America isn't it? He's allowed to speak his mind. Anyway as long as he keeps producing music I like I could give a rat's ass what he thinks about his penis and his relationships.
I absolutely LOVE this guy – especially for his engaging personality and candor. What a disappointment when he (ugh) apologized for such a ballsy comment that was within context and even had some spectacular subtext. Next time, say what you think and leave it out there, John…no apologies.
It's about time we have someone in the public eye who understands that the only negative energy attached to words is the one WE give to them for ourselves. Consider the derogatory terms that have been used to describe women for ages. Most of us got over it looooong ago. We actually find them humorous when they're chucked in our direction. (C-word anyone???)
Folks in this country need to get over this nonsensical PC-ness. Embrace those who
speak their truth openly and stop giving the rest of the world something new to laugh at us about.
We're lovin' how you roll, John!!!
He's a true mess! What respectful man kisses and tells i.e. Jessica/Jennifer. I'm sure they should be glad they aren't seeing him any longer he's a BIG MOUTH and makes stupid racist comments!
I'm thinking the author of this column lives in his parents basement and says things like epic fail. John Mayer can't be used as a clutch for a lack of writing skills. He plays the guitar and speaks his mind – if you dont like what he has to say, then dont listen (or for that matter, research JMs' every move and tell us how "douchey" it is, we'd rather be listening to one of his tracks then your ranting).
Well, I love John Mayer, so what does that say about me? I'm gonna tattoo that quote about saying "no" across my chest. Epic succeed. :-)
I really dislike whoever wrote this, all these quotes seem to be little clippings out of a bigger statement and they all seem to be taken out of context. this is exactly what is wrong with the media today: sound bites taken out of context. and by the way, when your being interveiwed by PLAYBOY, your probably gonna talk about porno, and it clearly seems to all be done in good humor. the writer should get a life and grow up. and by the way i totally agree with trish.
John Mayer should just drop dead!!!
Nothing about him is appealing
big mouth+big ego=small penis
I actually think it's pathetic that you wasted your time on someone as epic as John Mayer. There is RARELY any negative press involving him and it's scum like you that puts it out there. He's here for his music, which I appreciate profoundly as well as many of my peers, and he shouldn't be judged for anything but that. What rapper doesn't talk about his penis, say something demeaning about a female, or use drugs? I say you write about one of them instead of trying to ruin an awesome guy for a lot of people. If anyone is a "jerk" in this situaton I'd say it's you.
Bringing back the lost title "Idiot Savant".
This dude is a racist and America is still in love with this racist punk.Who are these black folks giving out these so call hood cards,and if names come out,black folks should dis own them traders.
The thoughts and ideas he expresses in that interview are like watery stool. He may be an OK musician, but fundamentally he's shallow trash.
Uncle Rosy, in what is he racist? you are a ridiculous idiot, and you genuinely do not know what you are talking about.
He’s an a-hole who’s songs are lame. It’s clear that he’s his biggest fan — he thinks he’s clever and funny, and he’s neither. His attempts at being esoteric and “deep” just show him for the shallow idiot he is. I
Oops! My computer froze briefly, and I wasn’t quite finished. My opinion of him has always been that he was over-rated, but the more I hear from him, the more I recognize he’s not just a poor excuse for a singer-songwriter, but a jacka$$ who believes his own press, as well.
Damn, this article was bitchy. You had me going in the beginning, but by the time I got to the end I was definitely on Mayer's side. I feel sorry for the misfortunate people who take offense at pointless things like this. Also, it's worth noting that his various comments may have been offensive to some, but really, that doesn't say much about him as a person. So what if he finds some races more sexually attractive than others? That's… extremely common, now that I think about it.