Celebrity Cheaters Ruin Valentine’s Day for Everyone

“Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like new kitty cat while your woman shops for your gift.” – Oh please.  How retarded, patently false, and worst of all of low quality pimp handed-ness.  Snoop would not be impressed.

In honer of cupid’s day I present to you a group of guys who live by the same imbecile’s creed. If that show cheaters had a celebrity edition they would be fools to leave out these idiots.  What makes these guys a complete disgrace to men as a gender is that we all wear their shame and suffer their pain.  Our girls read this in tabloids while buying us Swanson Hungry-Man dinners in Piggly Wiggly, and then they start Ho-jacking us – it’s complete BS, and it’s their fault!  What’s worse is it’s completely unnecessary!  They all have the bank, bod and balls to bag bimbos by the bountiful!  So why screw us like this and make our live tougher. They’re complete traitors to their gender, and don’t think about anyone but themselves!

For good or bad here are the stories of the 9 worst cheaters

Hugh Grant

Hugh Grant went from heart throb to Houdini ( not Whodini ) after being caught with a prostitute in 1995. That’s right, movie stars pay for it too sometimes so don’t make your Uncle Hook Nose feel too bad. This particular movie star however was banging Elizabeth Hurley at the time . . .sheesh! How do you get tired of that!  He does get points for convincing her to stay around until 2005. Unfortunately Her dwindling acting career gets half of those points for the assist.  bamboozeled . . .please.

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Eric Benet

Barefoot crooner Eric Benet was treated for sex addiction.  Oh grow up.  It’s so ridiculous to fall back on saying that stuff that we simply love to do is an addiction.  TV addition, video game addition, hot dog at the ball game addition – Who doesn’t have these “Addictions?”  To add insult to injury this particular addicted” tool cheated on Halle- effin- Berry. Halle Berrry!  has this ass even seen Swordfish!?!?  I hate this dude, but if you haven’t heard of Benet it’s because his music sucks.  Look at the picture!  That guy lands Halle Berry and cheats on her!  I must be losing my mind.  STop this planet I think I want to get off.  (Maybe he was good looking before he became retarded.)

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Kobe Bryant

Kobe Bryant was accused of rape after visiting a hotel clerks vagina in Colorado. Kobe eventually admitted to the visit, but insisted it was very, very consensual. The 4 million dollar gi-mun-gus ring he bought his wife was enough to keep her chicklet sized teeth from “Sista Yenta” yapping. Not surprising at all considering all the other crap he bought her was the only reason she married him in the first place. Like My man Jamie Foxx says, “I’m not saying she’s a gold digger, but I don’t see her with no broke-”  Not only did he get busted in Colorado, he was later accused of cheating again with former Laker girl Vanessa Curry. Look at that face.  Who says money can’t buy me love.  If this guy couldn’t bring it to the hole, he would never get to bring it to the hole.  The only hole he would see is in his pockets.

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Jude Law

Another spineless imbecile cheating on hot chicks is Jude Law. He was given the axe by fiance Sienna Miller after screwing the house keeper. Jude simply explained that like his ancestors before him, he’s willing to bang the help, but not pay them a decent wage.  OH WHAT A COMPLETE DOUCHEBAG . . .from a long line of top shelf douchebaggery, and to think the dude is considered somewhat of  Hollywood royalty.  This weasel has even been compared to Johhny Depp and, has competed for some of the same roles.  No thanks.  The only Jump Street We’d like to see you on is off on the shoulder, rotting with the rest of the roadkill.  I simply have no respect for a man that cheats on the Baroness.  As far as I’m concerned even Destro can lick my sack, and he’s a terrorist with a metal face!  So you could only  imagine how little I think of Little Lord Fauntleroy up there.

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Tiger Woods

This guys a freaking car wreck – pun intended.  First the women he’s cheated with range from barely hot to complete atrocities.  There was one that looked so much like Broomhilda that I wouldn’t do her on a dare – not possible, I’d be shooting pool with a rope.  I mean the guy’s probably a billionaire, or at least a half a billion and at that point whats the difference anyway?  “OH Honey don’t buy the brand name Corn Chexx, unless you have a coupon” nah-ain’t happening.   My point – with 500 million and a mean back swing can’t you tag a decent piece a strange?  Secondly, these yappy misfits start throwing him under the bus.   Dude’s pimp hand is just awful!  I have no respect  for that.  Then he’s loses his endorsements and worse – quits golf!?!? Tiger? Please.  Nothing wild about this guy what-so-ever.  Just another insecure asshead with too much money, very little game and no sack.   He’s really more of a… lets just say he was probably one of Siegfried and Roy‘s

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David Beckham

The soccer star has repotedly cheated on wifey Victoria Beckham with a plethora of hotties., including his personal blow jobist assistant. Victoria’s still around for now, but since nobody remembers her maiden name it’s probably best for her piggy bank.

I want to like this guy, but I can’t.  Victoria is super hot, and how many of us can say we pounded on out on a Spice Girl (in real life)?  I find his “behaviour” (that’s how the Queen Spells it, and eff her too) selfish.  if the guy was a true brother he’s be nailing Spice Girls two at a time while wearing Ginger’s delicious red snapper like a hat!  You see brothers, I believe that we should live vicariously through one another, and when a guy like this secretly bangs low quality vage in secret as opposed to reaching his full potential it affects all of us – and then the terrorists win.  Like Sonny says, “Nothing in this world is worse than wasted talent”

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Bill Clinton

He didn’t just cheat on his wife Hillary, he did it with a dog (animals are never okay) named Lewinski. He said he did it because he could -actually that’s not so bad, at least his pimp hand is strong. After facing Hillary’s fists of fury, and almost being impeached Clinton came out on top (not inside, never inside- Listen carefully, He did not have sex with that woman). He kept Hillary (a dude in drag with kankles and a pantsuit) and his job, but completely ruined a perfectly good cigar.  Why would you do that to a Romeo and Julieta?  that’s a $14 cigar in a broad I would take to a meal off the Dollar Menu.  It just makes no sense to me.   I’m for presidential BJs.  I believe that presidents should be allowed to get BJs from the country’s hottest chicks if they perform their jobs well.  It’s just your typical, everyday, run of the mill incentive program and it should be instituted immediately.  Lower taxes=BJ.  Balance budget=BJ.  Indict Cheney=Double BJ.

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Billy Bob Thorton

Is Billy Bob a guy chicks want to marry? His 5 previous marriages would point towards yes. Billy Bob, in an almost unbelievable move left his 4th wife, actress Laura Dern, for Angelina Jolie (albeit during the heroin/ cutting phase). Laura left to shoot a film, and when she came back her boyfriend was dating Angelina freakin Jolie! He never even said goodbye recalls Laura.

Now what the hell is Sling Blade doing banging Laura Croft while I’m here pulling my pud!?!?!  What’s the world coming to!?!  (Joe Pesci Knows)

Shortly after his marriage to Angelina, Billy was reportedly busted banging their sex therapist (ironically enough). Most recently he has been pegged as the reason for Tea Leoni’s split from her husband Fox Mulder, after 11 years and a kid (I know his name is David Duchovney, but really does it even matter?  Because without Scully by his side his wife just left him for a guy that’s famous for playing a retard with a lawnmower blade – after him who’s next? Corky? Slingblade obviously has no  problem taking full advantage of his celebrity. Even he’s gotta know he looks a little like the Grinch, but he did Tomb Raider . . .which is a hell of a lot more than I can say.  I didn’t even beat the game, let alone slap her butt.

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David Letterman

The best cheater on the list is also the oldest. Experience payed off for David Letterman when one of CBS’s producers, and real life douchbag accused Letterman of infidelity. Not only did he drop the bomb ( which was completely true by the way) he attempted to black mail Letterman to keep the info private. The producer apparently found out about perks of being Letterman after reading his ex girl friends diary in which she recounts an affair with Dave. Afterwards other women came forward claiming to have slept with the late night host. Rather than lie, Letterman came forward about his activities and apologized to staff. In doing so he kept his wife and late night supremacy. Oh yeah, the douche bag producer hasn’t gotten a dime of Dave’s late night cash and is currently facing felony charges  . . .but at least once he gets to jail he’ll have no problems getting dates.

My brothers, I urge you – don’t cheat!  She will fully bring her friends in with the right approach, two is better than one, you don;t have to keep secrets, and best of all when your done they have each other to keep company while you eat a sandwich and watch Monday Night Football.  Cheating is for cowards with no game.  Work on the pimp hand, play your cards and you’ll enjoy all the pros with none of the cons . . .as opposed to these con artist “wanna bes.”

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