Valentine’s Day – a holiday shoved down our throats by an uncaring cards and chocolates industry. You think people celebrated Valentine’s Day 100 years ago? Of course not, they were just trying to survive! But now that it’s here, we can at least choose to celebrate it on our terms – here are ten valentine sentiments sure to freeze the melted heart:
FRONT: I love you so much that…
INSIDE: Nah, j/k.
FRONT: With us, Cupid’s Arrow struck true…
INSIDE: but then that second arrow hit your sister, who’s way hotter than you.
FRONT: Tonight, let’s celebrate our love…
INSIDE: Of sleeping alone because your jiggly legs are great in the air but lousy under the covers.
FRONT: A loaf of bread, a jug of wine…
INSIDE: And you, getting out of my car. We’re done here. Lose my number Fat Ass.
FRONT: I saw you across a crowded room and thought “Hello Dream boat”
INSIDE: . . .the I put on my glasses and said yeesh . . .shipwreck.
FRONT: This Valentine’s Day, I Will Be The Romeo and You Will be My Juliet?
INSIDE: So drop dead. Rat Poison Under sink. Use it.
FRONT: You’re the only one for me…
INSIDE: In all honesty, though, you’re the fourth person I’ve given this card to, so in reality not only doesn’t it mean much, but the future doesn’t bode well.
FRONT: I’m sending you on a trip!
INSIDE: Headfirst, down the stairs!
FRONT: My heart beats for thee…
INSIDE: [CARD’S SENTIMENT ONLY GOOD IF RECIPIENT IS JESSICA BIEL]
FRONT: Happy Valentine’s Day!
INSIDE: Now look, I served my time, the holidays are over, so please – pack your crap and get the fudge out of my apartment – pront-effin-tissimo please. Thank you.
FRONT: I love You So Much I’d Do Anything for You!
INSIDE: If You Feel the Same, I’ve been fantasizing about a threesome with your friend Liz. Could you hook that up or what?