Olympic Torch Passing – What Items Would be Passed for these Other Important Events
It’s a tradition as old as Greece and the Olympics itself–the running of the Olympic torch. Clad in nothing more than a toga (or sometimes not even that) with a laurel wreath upon their heads, Ancient Greek Olympians lit the torch’s flame using the light from the sun’s rays and passed the lit torch hand to hand until it arrived at its sacred spot at Olympia, the site of the ancient games.
And now on the eve of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, I got to thinking what items would be passed if marathons were held for some other important events:
Superbowl - sitting in their wheel equipped, beer helmet controlled La-Z-y Boy recliners, team fans pass a 60-inch plasma TV.
Stanley Cup Playoffs – The Passing of the Puck. As any hockey fan knows, it’s all about getting the puck into the other teams’ goal. In this marathon however, spectators suffer broken teeth and noses as goalies from opposing teams leave their good manners at home and insist on tossing the pucks to each other rather than simply handing them off.
Comic-Con – A copy of X Men Reunited encased in CGC Plastic. The nerds don’t actually run, however. They get around on their Paul Blart Segway wheelies.
Oktoberfest – The Running of the Bratwurst. Dressed in their finest lederhosen, participants chug a stein-full of beer and pass the sacred bratwurst. This relay takes a little longer to complete however, as runners have to stop every few feet to take a pee.
Spring Break – The Running of the Penis. Led and photographed by Joe Francis (the founder of Girls Gone Wild), young women in various stages of undress unhand the giant sacred penis from town to town while throwing water on each other and writhing on the ground.
World Series – A Giant Needle of Testosterone. Before handing off the needle, players inject themselves with the steroid fluid. Just as the needle leaves their hand, the steroids take control and their bodies become huge and grotesquely muscular. Mark McGwire, Alex Rodriguez and Jose Canseco keep trying to run to head of the line.
Premiere of the Latest Star Wars Movie – The Passing of the Light Saber. All runners dress as Obiwan – except the girls (and uh, maybe some of the guys) who wear Princess Leia bikinis.
Oscars – The Running of the Rivers (Joan Rivers, that is). From Clooney to Pitt to Jolie, Joan Rivers is passed from hand to movie star hand. And as her body is maneuvered up the glorious red carpet, River’s face continuously changes form and her battle cry is heard far and wide beyond the Hollywood Hills : “WHO ARE YOU WEARING?!”
Mardi Gras – The Running of the Giant Naked Tit. Inebriated women in all shapes and sizes carry the sacred tit as they expose their private parts in an attempt to acquire beads strewn by the delirious and drunken crowd.
The PGA Tour – Passing of the Woods. Tiger Woods’ thirteen mistresses gently hand him off until he arrives at his sacred spot on the golf course.