I’ve been on a Paul Simon kick lately, and the other day I noticed that the song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover only lists five ways to lose your lady. You can slip out the back, make a new plan, hop on the bus or drop off the key. Oh, and apparently there’s no need to be coy (and should that one even count?). What about the other 45, Paul?
If you’re looking for a creative way to hand your girl her walking papers, you can stop your search right now. Without further ado, here are (the other) 45 ways you can leave your lover:
45.) Have a plane fly a breakup banner over her apartment.
44.) Go grocery shopping with your girlfriend. When she’s not looking, pay a checker to let you dump her over the loudspeaker system.
43.) Send her a breakup text, and then submit it to TextsFromLastNight.
42.) Fake your own death.
41.) Change your Facebook relationship status.
40.) Dare her to go line for line with Lindsay Lohan.
39.) Book her a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
38.) Make a 60-second video of your breakup speech. Pay to have the video run as a commercial during her favorite TV show.
37.) Go to jail (bonus: I hear the orange drink served there is delicious!)
36.) Take her on a vacation to the Middle East; sell her into sex slavery.
35.) Run over her car with your truck, like this guy:
34.) Only buy her clothes that are size XL. When she asks why you got such big stuff, say “What? You’ve put on a little weight lately, I thought they’d fit.”
33.) Develop a really, really weird kink, and then ask her to help you fulfill your fantasies. Midget double amputees not your thing? Tell her it has something to do with men’s feet, two live gerbils and a video camera.
32.) Pawn the jewelry she inherited from her grandmother; use the money to buy a sweet set of rims for your ride.
31.) Go to Vegas for a romantic getaway. Leave the hotel room to go “play poker”, come back married to a cocktail waitress.
30.) Replace her Lemon Lime Gatorade with antifreeze.
29.) Write a Craigslist post detailing all of the things that are wrong with her, send everyone you know the link.
28.) Become a priest.
27.) Send her a bouquet of dead roses. Include a card that reads, “These are dead, just like our relationship.”
26.) Move. Leave nothing but the four walls and the musty scent of loneliness.
25.) Try your hand at The Bastard Breakup. Bonus points if you offer to become “silent friends”, like this dude:
24.) Tell her you’ve converted to Scientology.
23.) Delete all of the songs from her iPod. Upload three songs to replace them: Michael Bolton’s Said I Loved You (But I Lied), Scandal’s Goodbye To You and Beyonce’s Irreplaceable.
22.) Have Ed Hardy design her a cement bikini.
21.) Blindfold her and play “Pin the Tail on the Wood Chipper”.
20.) Introduce her to John Mayer.
19.) Take out a billboard ad, make sure it’s one that she’ll pass on the way to work.
18.) Surprise her with a picnic in a field. Over dessert, watch as a plane writes “I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE” in the sky. Have your other girlfriend pick you up, so you don’t have to sit through an awkward ride home with your new ex.
17.) Take her to a professional baseball/hockey/football game, have your breakup note displayed on the JumboTron.
16.) Hide a steak in her purse and go on an African safari.
15.) Tell a radio shock jock all about Nikki, your “favorite booty call”, while your wife is listening. Why not? Raj did it:
(Editor’s note: this is long, but it’s well worth the listen. American girls use the mouth, you know. USA! USA! USA!)
14.) One word: Rodeo.
13.) Give her a hardcover copy of He’s Just Not That Into You for her birthday.
12.) The next time you have sex, call out her mother’s name.
11.) The next time you have sex, call out her brother’s name.
10.) During sex tell her that extra five pounds she’s gained is really helping you hold out longer.
9.) Go camping in a remote forest. When she goes out looking for firewood, leave her there.
8.) Become a fundamentalist Mormon. Tell her she’s welcome to move to Utah with you, but she’ll have to put up with at least seven sister wives.
7.) Encourage her to go on a long road trip with one of her friends. While she’s gone, change the locks and burn all of her pictures. When she comes back, act like you’ve never seen her before and have no idea who she is or what she wants. Threaten to call the police, if necessary.
6.) Have a box of chocolates delivered to her office. Include a note that reads, “We’re over. Use these to eat your way through the pain of our breakup.”
5.) Tell her you have a shocking secret to reveal to her…on the Maury show.
4.) Ask for a threesome with her hottest friend. Either way, you’ll come out a winner.
3.) Break up with her at the altar, like this:
2.) Create a website dedicated to a dramatic reading of your breakup letter (make sure you have your speakers turned up!).
1.) Hire your university’s Glee Club to sing her a breakup song in front of the whole school. After the song, get the crowd to chant “SLUT! SLUT! SLUT!” in her general direction.
So, what have we learned here? When in doubt, always go with the option that provides the most public humiliation.
Trying to figure out if you should leave your lover? Check out 5 Ways You Know Your Girl’s A Keeper!
Got Breakup? Send us your best break up story with your full contact details. If we use it we’ll send you some dumb tchotchke lying around here in our way. Send to Editor@teamcoed.com.