Gifts on Valentine’s Day convey love, affection, romance, desire, seduction . . .while some just say. “Eeeew Gross” or “Hmm, I think I’m dating a Serial Killer.”
We were seriously pitched everyone of these items as an awesome Valentine’s Gift. As the crazy pile got higher we began to think we were the nutty ones for not telling you guys about this stuff. So we gathered up the wildest and weirdest from across the web, and our “Stuff we pay interns with” closet and made this list! Relax, there’s still time to say, “I love you” or if you’re into the items on this list, “I love you, and I hope you like weird, kinky odd, domesticated stuff.”
From the “That’s Very Nerdy Department” –
This Plush Beating Heart from ThinkGeek ($17.99) looks like the perfect way to creep out your significant other. With a simple shake the heart will start beating and pulsating just like the real thing, joy! If you give it to your girl expect either a) she thinks it’s cool because she’s as big a book worm as you, or b) she’s be in someone elses anatomically correct pants before the clock strikes 12 . . .noon!
From the “I think I have a hair in my Throat Department”
Yep. It’s sticky and melts with sweat, gets sugar everywhere and let’s not even get into the concept of the actual “string” part being called edible. You had better reeeaaaalllyy like the that you get a candy G String. This is one of those items that really “ideas” much better than it executes. Proceed with caution unless you love the taste of copper pennies (Google it.) Amazon $28.
From the “I Love You so Much I Think You should Be a Porn Star Department
Imagine you love a girl so much, and that you think so much of her that you feel she should be “Shared with the whole world.” That’s where Yoostar™ comes in, “The revolutionary new entertainment system that lets YOO star in scenes from movies” – well er, HER and YOO from the neck down. The Yoostar Entertainment System gives you everything you need (minus the soon to be very remorseful slut) to turn your home into a movie /porn studio — studio-grade web cam, portable green screen and stand, wireless remote, Yoostar software for your PC (Mac version coming soon), plus 12 movie scenes and 2 bonus scenes to start. Years of therapy and legal wrangling to get your videos off the net before your kid turns 10 not included. Amazon $135.
From the “Bitch Get in the Kitchen and Bake Me a Pie” Department
Valentine’s Day Red Sunbeam 2349 Heritage Series Stand Mixer
Buying a vacuum cleaner on an anniversary is one thing, and we all know what happened in father of the bride when Steve Martin’s (mannish) daughter received a blender as a wedding gift from her half a homo fiance’, but the ultimate in Pimp Hand move is trying to pass off a Kitchen device as a Valentine’s Day gift just because it’s red. Dude I dare you – seriously – to give your girl a Sunbeam 2349 Heritage Series Stand Mixer this Valentine’s Day with a straight face. But be warned, if you actually get a pie out of the deal as well and you DON’T teach us how to us the force like the Jedi Pimp that you are, you’re a complete douchebag. Share bro. Didn’t you learn anything from the Porn guy above? Amazon $150
Of course if none of these work, and you’re a total pimp you could just surprise her with a sweet Valentine’s Day threesome with her best friend or sister. This might help with that idea.
Want to give your girl one of these Weird Choices? Email us at Editor@team coed.com. Somebody’s gotta take this stuff home, and it ain’t going to be me (Oh!, and I accept bribes in the form of cash, check, Paypal or naked pictures of your girl.)