5 Things To Definitely Leave Off Your Resume

By Edit Posted in Culture, Funny, News-ish

While there are a number of different ways that you can improve your resume and make it stand out, there are a number of things that you definitely might want to consider leaving off.  A new job is like a new relationship.  When you were sharing “dating” resumes with your girlfriend, you left off the finer details of those three Costa Rican hookers and the subsequent doctors visit.  You need to do the same when it comes to this other nonsense entries that are sure fire ways to *NOT* get the job of your dreams.

1. Your Useless Talents

There are only so many important things that go into doing that crappy, dead-end Human Resources job that you are applying for.  Don’t feel like you need a six page resume for your first job.  If it’s called “Entry Level” it’s because it’s for people without experience.  No one expects a huge resume, and no one cares about your knack for celebrity impressions, how long you have been a toast master, that fact that you work out (if you do, that should be obvious) or your SAT score (Yep, I’ve seen it).  Go entirely traditional real work and school experience.

2. That Sexual Harassment Charge

It is never a good idea to mention why you left a job, but it is especially not a good idea to disclose the fact that you had to resign from a former job because of alleged sexual harassment.  . .unless of course you are a smoking chick and you intend to follow up the resume by explaining that you tried to resist your average looking boss, but you’re a nymphomaniac sex addict that loves “trout of the trouser”, and you were fired because your former boss would not accept your daily advances. (and if you are in fact that girl – we’re hiring!  So email me right now at editor@teamcoed.com)

3. How Much Your Last Job Sucked

It is also not a good idea to mention all the terrible things about your last job or your last boss, odds are the same environment exists at the place you are applying to, and it tells the interviewer that in about 180 days you’ll be telling some other schmuck how much he sucked.  Nobody wants to suck, so you will not get the job.

4. Your Big Shot Family Members

So your uncle’s ex-wife is an assistant to a state senator? Well then perhaps you should ask her for a job.  Your Dad owns Huge Company Inc . . .then why doesn’t he want you there?  Name dropping family members is a no-no on the entry level resume.  A better move is just give the name and number as a referral – not the status or position, and let the person checking referrals be surprised and impressed.

5. Your Sexual Prowess

True story: a man once tried to depict his abilities as a salesman by recounting the vast number of his sexual escapades. He reasoned that his ability to pick up women would translate into his ability to makes sales.  Possible, but it alienated the interviewer.   Needless to say, he never did get that telemarketing gig.  Word to the wise, keep private business exactly that.

Honorable mention – Jokes.  A resume is not a forum for gags, unless you want the job you get to be one.  If you’re not applying for a job as stand up comedian, keep the joke in your pants.

Follow the author, Igor Derysh on Twitter, @IgorDerysh

. . .and nymphomaniacs just plain old follow me!  Everywhere!


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