Though the success for Steven Seagal’s new reality show, “Steven Seagal: Lawman,” has been great, the concept is actually an off-shoot of previous ideas that A&E had for the show but failed.
If you have never seen Steven Seagal: Lawman, just picture Steven Seagal talking about Steven Seagal for thirty minutes (with commercials) and then picture him wearing a uniform while he does it. Steven, who is as much of a cop as Shaq is, gets to ride around Orleans Parrish with the police brass, show up dead last to every call and still gets to be the guy who puts the cuffs on the perp. All the while, Steven teaches us valuable life lessons by talking about how experienced and great he is at everything that he has ever done.
If you think that’s thirty-minutes of total cringe TV, imagine if A&E had run with any of their previous ideas:
Who Wants To Marry Steven Seagal?
After a fifteen year hiatus from being married (or women completely for all we know. The guy is certifiable.), Steven Seagal is back on the market and there are twelve identical looking blondes and Kelly Lebrock (chubby but i would still tear Weird Science up) who are hoping to be the one that reels in Steven and gets her 15 minutes of fame.
Contestants have to perform in elimination challenges which range from killing a hobo with their bare hands, jumping out of a moving car, and seeing who can spend more than ten minutes in a room with Steven.
The show had to be pulled when a group supporting the rights of the homeless protested. . .and not even the girls families would watch.
Steven Seagal: Registered Nurse
While few people know that Seagal is a fully commissioned cop, even fewer know that he is a registered nurse. Unfortunately, hospital policy prohibits pulling bullets out of people’s bodies with one’s bare hands, and repairing head wounds with flaming acupuncture needle is frowned upon. So after the pilot, most of the show simply depicted Steven filling out paperwork and giving Biggest Loser rejects sponge baths while they wait for bariatric surgery.
Steven Seagal: Iron Chef
When the Iron Chef show contacted Steven, it seemed like a perfect fit. Steven was a fan of the show while living in Japan, and had even once thrown a giant smack down of that Morimoto guy. However, the show turned out to be too low key for Steven, so to “Spice it up” he chose kill the main courses on set, and would chop all the vegetables by hand – no really, no knife, by hand. On the pilot he killed a grizzly bear. Bobby Flay didn’t appreciate it, and blood went everywhere, but bear still makes a great steak. The show was canceled when Steven left for Hawaii and the Chairman thought he had quit. In actuality, he had only gone to go hand kill a great white to prepare the cameraman’s daughter some fish sticks. But by then it was too late. Good Fish sticks though . . .Do you like Fish Sticks?
Steven Seagal: Awful Actor
Let’s face it, Seagal hasn’t made anything that hasn’t gone straight to DVD in years. This show allowed the audience to follow Steven throughout various alleys and back lots of Los Angeles as he auditioned for commercial spots (he almost landed that Snuggie gig) and poorly written films (he almost landed that American Pie 11 gig, but with Soupy Sales still available back then, available, what chance does any d actor have? ).
The show didn’t have much legs as Steven began to turn to alcohol, pizza and donuts after a string of rejections in the pilot episode, and being mistaken for a 60 year old intern by the director.
Steven Seagal: Motivational Speaker
Hear Steven teach you how to live life based on his patented three-step system:
- Always carry a sword. People don’t screw with people with swords.
- Never let reality interfere with how awesome you think you are.
- Always ask yourself, What Would Steven Seagal do? (And then kick someone in the face)