The big news across Twitter, the Interwebs and every other celebrity gossip site this past week is that Paula Abdul is leaving her role as judge on American Idol, presumably to focus on her other hobbies like ingesting enough prescription medicine to hallucinate that cartoon cats are dancing beside her. With her exit, it’s time to take a look at some possible candidates to fill in her role as the person responsible for giving the “batshit crazy opinion” of the panel. Here are the top ten choices:
Positive: An actual candidate that’s being floated around as Abdul’s replacement, she can deal with the pressures of the show seeing as she’s already one of the biggest stars in the world.
Negative: Letting her on the show opens up the awful possibility of cameos from other Spice Girls.
Positive: Someone with an air of legitimacy surrounding her, Stone can show just how far female culture has come, putting an end to the idea that the female judge on the show can only be a drug-upped bimbo whose opinion counts for nothing.
Negative: The above will be discarded every time she crosses and re-crosses her legs, which will happen five times a show.
Positive: Years of experience in the music industry, Love should be able to know talent when she sees it.
Negative: Constant threats to the production staff and other judges that, if she doesn’t get her way, she’s going to “make it look like a suicide”.
Positive: Despite her youth, Winehouse has been surrounded by all things music for most of her life, putting her in a unique position to determine who the best singers are.
Negative: By the time you read this, she’ll probably be dead.
Positive: Now that she’s cleaned herself up, it’s time for Britney to show the world that she’s back by being part of the most popular show on television.
Negative: She can’t be an accurate judge, since she knows nothing about good music.
Positive: The person on this list with the most actual judging experience, now that she’s been confirmed for the U.S. Supreme Court, she can coast through the rest of her lifetime appointment and take on glamour gigs like this one. Negative: Long-winded opinions would take up most of the shows running time.
Positive: See negative.
Negative: Seeing as he’ll probably be getting out of jail for his most recent domestic violence charge just as the season starts filming, he’ll pick the best singer based solely on who he can beat the most.
Positive: Still a big name, Paris will bring even more millions of viewers to the show.
Negative: As a society we’ve gotten to the point where Paris Hilton has become as irrelevant as she’s ever going to become. Maybe it’s best if we don’t bring her back into the fold.
Positive: Used to judging everything, ever, in the history of the world.
Negative: Will insist on drawing crude penis images on the losing contestants. Actually, maybe this is a positive.
Positive: He can draw on his many years in solitary confinement to keep from being persuaded by the large personalities of Randy, Simon, and whoever that other girl is.
Negative: A bit murdery.