How to Not Be a Douchebag New Yorker in NYC
New York City – home to every type of person you can imagine, all crammed on top of each other into an area 1/10th the size of Los Angeles. Because of this denseness and the swath of humanity living within its borders, from immigrants and working Joes to crackheads to the richest people on the planet, surviving in New York as an average person is hard. It’s hard to get around, hard to pay for rent – and hard to keep from going postal every 10 minutes because of some douchebag you run into on the way to work. So, as a follow-up to “How to Not Be a Douchebag Tourist in NYC,” here are a few things to remember when living in New York, to help keep the gears of this great city moving (and to keep someone from punching you in the face.)
Believe me, I know – most of the bad drivers come from Jersey. But we have some bad habits of our own. First off, laying on your f**king horn for eight minutes doesn’t make the traffic go! It just makes everybody want to literally shove your steering wheel up your ass. Second, stop talking on your cell phone while gunning it cross-town. Lastly, don’t blindly cross three lanes on the LIE – one of these days you’re going to kill somebody, and for what? So you could get where you’re going five minutes sooner? F**k that. There’s nothing douchier than killing someone because you bought a BMW and have nowhere good to drive it.
First and foremost, snagging a cab, even if you’re drunk, is a serious dick move. Move upstream and wait you’re g*ddamn turn. And speaking of being drunk, stop doing whatever it is you’re doing at 5 AM that makes the cab smell like falafel puke, liquor and lube. That sh*t is nasty. And to the cab drivers: If you have a fare, GET OFF THE PHONE. Not only is it annoying to listen to you yammer on, it’s dangerous and often means you miss the stop. And if someone says they’re going to an outer-borough, don’t deny them. They’re willing to spend $25 for a reason, and it’s you’re job to take them home. So, just do your job.
More than anything, we all need to pay a little bit more attention at the curb, and not surge like a mass of lemmings every time someone decides to dart across the street with oncoming traffic. In fact, just pay more attention in general – that means taking out your ear buds and stopping when you talk on your phone. Next, keep the speed up in the tunnels and on stairs and escalators – unless you’re physically incapable of moving, in which case, you should move to the side, so fast walkers can pass. Also, never stop at the tops or bottoms of stairs or escalators to check your phone – there are people behind you, dick.
Dear Mister Softee driver; If you’ve been sitting on the same corner for more than five minutes, blasting that f**king jingle, the kids know you’re there, I promise. Now, shut the f**k up.
While I’m on the topic of jobs that make you a douchebag, you little “Do you like comedy?” bastards need to find another line of work – that is, if you don’t want every single person who walks past you to fantasize about shoving your in front of a bus. P.S. The answer’s yes, I like comedy. Everybody likes comedy. Now go to hell. (Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.)
Except when there’s two feet of snow on the ground, bicycles are one of the absolute best way to get around the city. It doesn’t use gas, takes up little space, cutting down on traffic congestion and helps keep you in shape. So drivers – WATCH OUT FOR BICYCLES! Before opening your door, check to make sure nobody’s riding by. And bikers, remember that you also have the ability to cause serious damage to those around you, so instead of popping out of f**king nowhere all the time, get a bell or a whistle, something to let people know you’re going the wrong way down a one-way street when traffic’s stopped.
The price keeps going up, but the subway system seems to just get more crowded and suckier every day. Which is exactly why we all need to be on top of our train etiquette, just to keep things running as smoothly as the MTA will allow. So just remember: Don’t hold the doors (too long); don’t try to get on the train until everybody has exited – and please, for the love of God, MOVE ALL THE WAY INTO THE TRAIN! I know it feels so much better to be near the doors, but don’t worry, you’ll be able to get off at your stop. I swear.
First off, remember to close your window blinds. Just because you’re on the fifth floor doesn’t mean your neighbors can’t see your nasty ass walking around naked, eating ice cream out of the carton. More importantly, don’t go to the landlord every time you have a minor annoyance. I know, you can hear your neighbor’s music or farts or him walking to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. Fine. Having to hear the people around you is just part of living in an apartment. We all have to do it, so turn your TV up and chill the f**k out. (Remember, if you don’t like it, you can always move to Jersey…) However, if you insist on throwing all-night salsa dance parties every weekend, that makes you the douche.
New Yorkers work hard and play harder. So when it comes time to loosen the tie and throw back a few, it’s important to keep few tips of courtesy in mind to avoid ruining everyone else’s evening: If you’re outside smoking, don’t scream to your friend at the top of your lungs – there are people 10 feet above you, trying to sleep. If the bar is extra crowded, get someone to help you manage the 15-drink order you just received from the bar tender, to keep from spilling that Cosmo down everyone’s backs. And whatever you do, don’t load the jukebox with $15 worth of anything – your taste in music isn’t that good.
Visiting Friends and Family
Your out-of-town friends and family will inevitably want to see where you live and enjoy the pleasure of The Greatest City on Earth – and not have to spend $1000 for a f**king rip-off hotel room. As a local, it’s your duty to at least offer them a place to crash, no matter how cramped your studio is. So if you have people stay with you often, keep the Not For Tourists book in your apartment, so your guests can choose their own sites to see and know how to stammer home at 5AM, without having to wake you up on a work-night to do it. Also, try to have one or two New-Yorker-type things planned, so they can get a taste of what it’s like to actually live here. They will thank you… by getting you drunk.
I know this might be hard to hear, but we need these people more than they need us. Sure, they come and clog-up our streets, wear silly outfits and hold hands across the entire sidewalk. But they’re also spending tons of loot in our city – a much needed cash injection, especially in these trying times. Plus, since half the rich people lost their fortunes to Bernie Maddoff, the city can use all the money people are willing to pump into our economy. So I think we can have a little bit of patience when dealing with clueless, slow moving tourists. Haha – just kidding. We don’t have patience.
Just a couple of random things: Don’t blast HOT 97 at full volume while parked in front of an apartment building; help people who need help, like old ladies trying to wheel those foldable grocery carts up the subway steps or mother’s with strollers; using an oversized umbrella in NYC is f**king ridiculous. Come to think of it, using an umbrella in general is kind of a dickish thing to do, since you’re guaranteed to nearly take someone’s eye out every time it rains. Basically, just be courteous and respectful of the people who are trying to make a life in the Big Apple along with you, and everything will be cool.
Oh yeah, and don’t write this article. Total douche move…