This day and age, it seems like damn near everybody smokes pot. And with weed quickly coming into the mainstream in a big way, that number is only going to go up. So whether you’ve been smoking for years or are just getting into this awesome herb, here is a quick guide to the different types of pot smokers you’ll run into during your toking travels.
1. The ADHD Kid
Signature smoking method: Steamroller
He stopped taking his Ritalin a long time ago because it made him feel dead inside. But then he was a total spaz. So to keep himself from jumping around like a psychotic banshee, he started smoking weed. After a few hits, the smoke calms him down to a level of energy just above the average person. Which is good, because if it didn’t, he’d have no friends.
2. The Stoner Chick
Signature smoking method: Cute pink bowl that fits in her purse
When she’s smoking, this usually liberal arts-educated chick is cool as hell. She listens to good music, has a good laugh, often goes without a bra and is an all-around smokeshow. Plus, she’s usually friends with old guys who think she wants to screw them so they give her bud. But when you’re not stoned you realize she’s just kind of boring.
3. The Artist
Signature smoking method: Homemade bong
It’s no secret – creative people smoke pot. It’s just how it is. But since this person is more productive when he smokes, he basically has a life-long free pass on smoking weed whenever he wants. That said, he’ll rarely talk about smoking weed because he doesn’t want to admit that his last four good ideas came to him while watching episodes of “Blues Clues”.
4. The Patient
Signature smoking method: Vaporizer
With 16 states having already made medical marijuana legal, it seems everyone these days has some serious medical condition requiring the magical powers of marijuana. But for the truly terminal, life doesn’t get much better than steaming up some pot in a vaporizer and watching re-runs of “Murder She Wrote”. Not that you have to be dying to enjoy that or anything…
5. The Outdoorsman
Signature smoking method: Bowl
This guy doesn’t f**k around. He knows what to do when you encounter a grizzly and how to tell time with the sun. He can make a bowl out of anything, knows which mushrooms to eat – and which ones to never eat. You almost want to be him, until you realize his best day possible consists of hitting a bowl of kind bud at the base of Mt. Everest, followed by a week-long trip up a g*ddamn mountain.
6. The Creepy Old Hippie
Signature smoking method: Joint – Sri Lanka Buddhist Monk Pipe
Yeah, he’s stuck in the ’60s – but why? My guess it’s because this grimy bastard likes to pick up chicks, smoke them down and touch them – just a hunch. Add that to the fact, he’s smoked too much weed and doesn’t have much else going on. You almost feel sorry for the guy. Almost.
7. The Retiree
Signature smoking method: Expensive pipe/bong
These Boomers have been waiting for this moment since Woodstock. After growing up in the 60s, they did the responsible thing, made their money, sent their kids to college and are now settling into the glory years of reading The New York Times, gardening and smoking a sh*tload of weed. They mostly smoke at home, probably in “the den,” while listening to Leonard Cohen and Kris Kristofferson records and daydreaming about not being old.
8. The Connoisseur
Signature smoking method: The Hurricane Bong
Despite the fact that this guy always has the best weed available, The Connoisseur is kind of a douche to smoke with. On top of just talking way too much about weed all the time, he only smokes organic weed, only takes ‘green’ hits (the first hit of a bong or pipe – which wastes a ton of grass, obviously) and is just an all-around buzzkill. But like I said, he does have great weed, so you’ll still hang out with him, you mooch.
9. The Moocher
Signature smoking method: Whatever you’ve got
Not necessarily a bad guy – but still a pain in the ass – The Moocher only smokes weed when you smoke weed. You realize he’s doing it, but he seems to always have something terrible going on in his life that can only be remedied by a couple of pulls on your bowl. (What are you gonna do?) And if he finds out you always have weed, forget about it – you’ll have to kill him to make him leave.
10. The True Stoner
Signature smoking method: Roach
This easy-going, goofy bastard always starts his days off with a wake-and-bake courtesy of his bedside bowl, followed by as much additional weed smoking as possible. He’ll always have just enough weed on him to keep him going through the day. That is, unless he just re-upped is stash, in which case he’ll smoke most of his bag the first night.
11. The Professional
Signature smoking method: Something strong
If you don’t catch this guy in the act, you’d never know he smokes at all. That’s because, most of the time, he’s working his ass off. But when he comes home from a hard day, the only way he can chill out is by getting really, really high. I mean really high. He gets good weed, but often doesn’t know the difference between specific strains of marijuana. But that’s OK, he doesn’t have time for that bullsh*t.
12. The Teenager
Signature smoking method: Coke Can/Apple/Toilet Paper Steamrollers
As if they weren’t whacked-out of their minds already on mind-altering hormones, teenagers love to smoke pot. These newbies always think they have the best weed, but half the time it’s just a bag of grass clippings and sage. But when they have real weed, they’ll smoke anytime they have more than an hour away from their parents – who are probably at home doing the same thing, anyway.
13. The Gen-X Parents
Signature smoking method: Brownies
Deep down, these people are cynical and pissed off. In their spare time, they do yoga and attend wellness seminars and have the worst children on the planet – I mean real sh!theads. They work at ad agencies and have time shares and generally suck to hang out with. But you know what the perfect cure for all that is, don’t you? Yep, it’s weed. High five!
14. The Quitter
Signature smoking method: Whatever you’ve got
These poor saps are trying to quit something – usually alcohol or cigarettes – but can’t handle the glaring horrors of reality completely sober. So they smoke pot. And when they do, one of two things will happen: a) they only take a puff or two and then say nothing the rest of the night, or b) they take a puff, hang out for a bit, then sneak into the kitchen, steal your bottle of peach schnapps and leave for a night of good ol’ fashioned self-destruction.
15. The Drinker
Signature smoking method: Anything besides a blunt or a giant bong – it’ll scare them off
At first, The Drinker never wants to smoke. They approach the proposition of some herb with a healthy dose of reluctance. But before you know it, they’re all ‘Well, maybe just a hit.’ Two bowls later, they’re elbow-deep into a bag of Doritos, talking non-stop about how amazing his life is and swearing off liquor to make room for herb. Next day, he’s back on the bottle.
16. Ghetto kid
Signature smoking method: Dutchie, peach/grape blunt
No matter the The Ghetto Kid’s race or where he’s from, when he gets high, nine times out of ten, he’ll throw on a beat and start freestyling for hours, until it’s so boring you can’t even have fun smoking pot anymore. And when he’s not doing that, he complains about anything that’s pissed him off within the previous 36 hours, then shrugs it off like it’s nothing. And after all that, he’s still one of the best people to smoke with, ever.
17. The Sorority Girl
Signature smoking method: Her boyfriend’s gravity bong
Like the moocher (but significantly hotter/more obnoxious), the Sorority girl only smokes weed when someone else buys it. But every time she does, she gets way too high and passes out within 20 minutes of burning a fattie. But before she’s out, The Sorority Girl will complain to you about how awesome she is – compared to Vicky, who’s a total b*tch, BTW.
Signature smoking method: Fat joint
Like The Connoisseur, The Rastafarian takes his pot-smoking deadly serious. You can’t understand a word he says before he lights up, and just forget about it if he’s already stoned. However, if communication is a must, your best bet is take a few tokes for yourself and everything will become crystal clear. You’ll see why they call it a religious experience.
19. The Redneck
Signature smoking method: Sh!tty metal bowl
This dude ‘just don’t give a f**k.’ He smokes and drinks at the same time, gets crazy at parties and loves to blow sh!t up. Chances are he grows all his own kick ass weed (in somebody else’s corn field). And he usually falls into one of two categories: really funny or really dumb. But regardless, either one is fun as hell to toke-up with.
20. The Metal Kid
Signature smoking method: Bowl
Short of going backstage at a Slayer show, nothing makes The Metal Kid happier than sitting in his basement apartment, listening to bands like Skeleton Witch (on vinyl) and watching Metalocalypse. And for some reason, when a group of these surly fellows smokes, nobody talks – but nobody’s uncomfortable. Except you.
21. The Skater
Signature smoking method: One-hitter
You might mistake this guy for The Stoner or The Teenager. But unlike either of those assclowns, The Skater has an extremely high potential for raw havoc, no matter how much he’s smoked. In fact, if a bunch of skaters who you don’t know show up at your house, expect to see the cops sometime before dawn, I promise.
22. The Teacher
Signature smoking method: Spliff
When you only know this guy as your hard-ass literature professor, it’s hard to imagine him doing anything but re-reading The Taming of the Shrew in his spare time. But you know what makes the The Taming of the Shrew more hilarious? Of course you do – and so does the prof…
23. The Frat Guy
Signature smoking method: Joint
Because of constant sporting obligations in high school, The Frat Guy never smoked weed until just before graduation, or when he moved away to college. If you smoke him down, from then on, every time he sees you, he thinks you’re stoned, even when you’re not. And the only thing he ever talks about is how high he is, was or is planning to be later this evening at the Tri-Del party, bro.
24. The Druggie
Signature smoking method: Anything that works
The first way to know that weed is not a real drug is by seeing someone who’s taken real drugs after a real binger. And since coming down off of drugs like heroin, meth, etc is about as fun as trying to screw a pillow case filled with broken beer bottles, the only good thing to stave off the nausea, headaches and all-around suckitude, is a few quick hits and a room without light. Now, when has anyone ever had to do that with weed?…