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50 Better Ways Manny Ramirez Could’ve Blown $7.7 Million

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Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder, Manny Ramirez was just busted for failing a performance-enhancing drug test. As a result, Man-Ram received a 50 game suspension effective immediately. Aside from totally screwing over the Dodgers, Manny’s absence will cost him roughly $7.7 million. So just to rub in the sheer stupidity of his actions, we’ve decided to throw together a list of 50 way better ways he could have blown that cash, other than losing it to the MLB.

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1. Give boob jobs to every Miss America contestant until 2031

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2. Purchase 71,007 of his own LA Dodgers jerseys

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3. Buy Snuggies for 429,448 other idiots

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4. Buy 18,517,034 Fishsticks for Kanye West – shipping and handling not included

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5. Buy 1,929,825 2-piece grilled chicken dinners at KFC

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6. Fund the RIAA’s quest against P2P filesharing for 377 days (Ok, this one isn’t “better”)

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7. Fly to space with Richard Branson 38 times

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8. Have 7.7 face transplants

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9. Buy 26 Slumdog Millionaire Children


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10. Give away 67 season tickets at Yankee Stadium to kids in his hometown of the Bronx

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11. Cryogenically preserve a 2-liter bottle of semen for 100 years

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12. Book Asher Roth to play 641 straight bat mitzvahs

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13. Separate 3.85 pairs of conjoined twins

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14. Book Gov. Spitzer’s escort, Ashley Dupree for 7.12 straight years

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#15 Sexually abuse 6 children without going to jail… assuming you worked for the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles,.

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16. Re-buy Manny’s BBQ grill on eBay 11,925 times

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17. Purchase a full page ad of your butt in the New York Times for 55 straight days

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18. Full Body Liposuction of the entire cast of the Biggest Loser for 9.5 seasons

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19. Book 3.4 Michael Jackson concerts

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20. Buy 17,111,111 sliders from White Castle

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21. Purchase 8,850.5 pairs of Kanye West’s Louis Vuitton sneakers

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22. Buy 38,500 cartons of cigarettes in NYC

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23. Pay Charles Barkley’s gambling debt 19.25 times

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24. Fund the Boston globe for 8 weeks

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25. Stay at the Presidential Suite in the Plaza Hotel for 14 years

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26. Single-handedly make The Sounds new album “Crossing the Rubicon” go “Gold” in one day

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27. Acquire 192,500 used pairs of panties from this girl

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28. Purchase 15,400 lbs of Humboldt County’s finest

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29. At $4000 an inch, you could stretch your penis 1925 inches more

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30. Have sex with Faith Leon for 4,812.5 hours

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31. Fund an army of 147,379 Somali pirates for 1 year

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32. Support a year of mentoring programs from 770 South Central LA teens.

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33. Take Natalie Dylan’s virginity 2 times

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34. Support Kevin Federline for 18 years 4 months

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35. Show a nipple on the CBS Superbowl Halftime show 14 times

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36. Sign Evan Longoria to a 14-year contract

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37. Buy 616 prothetic legs for Heather Mills

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38. Get 154,000 ‘Happy Ending’ Massages in NYC

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39. Give 38.5 Full-Body Tattoos

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40. Have Lunch with Rosie O’Donnell and Star Jones 570 times

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41. Get the Human Genome Map on Ebay for you and 112 of your friends

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42. Cover the production costs on 7 tracks from Chinese Democracy

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43. Purchase 51 luxury 50 yardline Suites to the Superbowl

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44. Give The Mexican Wolf Boy Brothers a ‘Royal Shave’ everyday for 191.8 years

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45. Buy 7,700 Liters of Omnadren Testosterone Blend

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46. Service the national debt for the United States government for 7 minutes and 30 seconds

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47. Use a public restroom in Germany 281 times a day for 75 years

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48. Get Married 21,751 at the Graceland Chapel in Las Vegas

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49. Fund Robert Rodriguez’s El Mariachi 11,000 times

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50. Buy the “Robinson Crusoe Island” in Fiji

  • COED StaffCOED Writer