The 5 Girls You’ll Meet in a College Bar
All girls are rare and beautiful snowflakes — this much we know.
Yet when you take college girls, feed them alcohol and put them in a bar environment, a remarkable thing happens: their behavior falls into remarkably consistent patterns. Based on our research, we’ve identified five types of girls you’re likely to meet in a college bar.
Girl on Her Cell Phone
“OMG! I can’t believe he said that!” Multitasking is a glorious thing – truly a hallmark of our modern age. And yet, the ability of this girl to simultaneously order a drink, have a cursory conversation with a random frat dude attempting to hit on her, and catch up on the latest girl talk on her cell phone over the din of drunk people chanting the chorus to “Living on a Prayer” is still amazing to behold.
This girl has such super-human abilities to communicate that if you married her your kids would most likely be telepathic, an ability sure to be an improvement over the cell phone for communicating the miniutia of one’s sex life. But good luck even attempting to start a conversation with her. She and her iPhone – with its nearly endless stream of mindless babble being delivered straight to her cerebral cortex 23 hours a day – are getting along just fine.
“Can You Take Our Picture?” Girl
This girl will make you her personal Paparazzi in her quest to document every random Thursday night she’s spent getting drunk at Awful Al’s with her nine BFFs. Although you look like a chump being Mr. Amateur Photographer, you’ll say yes to her request to take a picture of her and her friends on the outside chance one of them will have sex with you (they won’t).
Of the 983 tagged photos of her on Facebook, 800 or so feature prominently placed alcoholic beverages. This is to show everyone she was Out Having Fun. Don’t worry about telling this girl to smile (if you can even get her beer-soaked camera to operate). She’s got her own Kissy Guido Face/Gangsta Hand Sign/MySpace Emo look down to a science.
Fake Lesbians
Like Pavlovian dogs that can’t stop salivating at the sound of a bell, or moths drawn to a flame, most guys are simply unable to tear themselves away from the site of two girls getting all Sapphic. Say what you will about Joe Francis, but no one can deny that we have him to thank for the potential of any random bar night turning into a Girls Gone Wild commercial. Of course, it’s all just for show, and the sexual equivalent of Fool’s Mate in chess – even an ugly girl can significantly up her attraction potential simply by making out with another girl in a public venue. But still, for most guys, this Never. Gets. Old.
Can’t Shut Up About Semester Abroad Girl
She just came back from Amsterdam. Or Italy. Or Thailand. And now she wants to tell you ALL about it. These stories almost never live up to their potential, mostly because what Americans do abroad isn’t really that interesting. They eat. They drink. They “find themselves” via a passionate fling with a sexy foreign stranger. The whole abroad experience is a grand adventure that doesn’t vary much from person to person. If you can stand to hear a truncated version of the plot of Eat, Pray Love, then maybe this girl is for you, otherwise, stay away.
The Mom
Also known as the CockBlocker, the Mom hasn’t had sex in months, and is here to make sure her friends don’t either. The Mom carries herself with a matronly air (hence her name) and is frequently seen saying “We have to go!” as she pulls her friends off of you.
The Mom is a hard one to win over, as she lives to be the wet blanket. But it’s always the repressed ones that suddenly act like they are on the set of an Andre 3000 video when they do decide to finally let go, so it may be worth the time you expend to convince her to come over to the dark side and have a little fun instead of being the chaperone.
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You forgot the biggest one EVER: The Drama Queen! I would need more than both my hands to count the number of times I've been out to a bar and witnessed a very inebriated girl starting a riot because someone spilled a drink on her and then getting her friends to either join in or smother her with attention so she'll settle down.
And what about the girl who goes out for the sole purpose of getting laid? Pshh.
You forgot me….the wallflower. Awwww how could this happen!
The Mom: true, unfortunaltely
Yeah, but you won't actually MEET the wallflower :]
Ok, I'm at times Girl #1 (not college chick tho!) Sometimes the phone texting/drinking/polite smile combo is essential for letting a guy know that you aren't interested. Or it could be that it's sort of dull and you are trying to find out what is going on elsewhere.
But…I'm none of those girls.
Does that make me a dude?
The uh…whole thing with "Girls are beautiful and rare snowflakes"…hahaha, laaame. Girls are just as gross and human as men. They still fart and sweat, they still smell and have gross feet regardless of how pedicured they are. Their ass is just as smelly and their breath is just as bacteria-ated and rank. In fact, at times, I think they're even grosser. When guys buy them a countless number of drinks so they get disgustingly inebriated, they go to the bathroom and pee on a toilet that's already been peed on only to find there's no toilet paper. So they have to air dry (it's still unclean). They puke just as men do. Girls are no better than guys. Yes, some of them are pretty, but no girl is attractive without humility.
Oh, by the way, fake lesbians suck! They do it for attention because apparently having a bitchin' personality isn't good enough these days. You have to be a super whore that shares spit with other random people to get banged out by the hottest c*ck on the place which has probably seen many other vaginas before it was interested in you.
The idea of exchanging bodily fluids so casually and frequently is disgusting.
Sunshyn22 is clearly the mom… BORRRRINGGG
Dear Latest and Greatest Sunshyn22[sic],
Apparently, you missed the strategically-placed sarcasm within the first sentence of the article. Although you may find it necessary to flaunt your ignorance through the comment section, please spare us the gory details of the female lifestyle in which you obviously participate.
P.S. What is "bacteria-ated"? Nevermind, I don't care.
P.P.S. I LOVE FAKE LESBIANS, BECAUSE I KNOW THEY'LL SLEEP WITH ME THAT WAY.
Sincerely,
Hugh G. Rection
Hi, how are you today? Allow me to invite you to a cougar dating community ____ Cougarster. C om ____ It’s where mature women and men who like them can meet.
Well, there's usually only ONE type of guy in a college bar – losers looking to get laid and who think they can categorise women.
Hint: That's probably why you don't have a girlfriend.
(And I'm a guy. WITH a girlfriend. God, I hate the way we portray ourselves sometimes. No wonder so many of you are single)
Oh my Rob, you win at this game!
In my experience, the cellphone girl is sometimes just pretending to be on her phone so that she looks busy, in the hope that you stop talking to her. Take note.
Oh, Rob, don't pretend that you're better than the rest of us. That very comment showed you're just as big an asshole than everybody else ("hey, there, why I DO have a girlfriend unlike YOU, loser"). Only you're even more smug about it.
Maybe this all holds true in American bars, here in Australia I can tell you the list is rather different and is as follows:
1. The Loud Drunk, representing the bar's total female populace, the Loud Drunk is just that, really drunk, and really loud. She wants to be all the things a frat boy is: sloppily dressed, yobbish, and doesn't give a shit, slumming into the city at 11pm with a gaggle of friends and next seen trudging out of a cab she vomited in in the outer suburbs at 3am holding a spilling bottle in one hand and her high-heels in the other. For five glorious hours there is nothing beneath the Loud Drunk: she will camwhore, kiss chicks, armwrestle the guys, throw herself over the nearest lad and dance like a dystrophic person with live rockets and centipedes taped to her neck and each limb, pausing every 4.3 minutes or so to down another Jaegerbomb or chug a pot of piss, to the constant soundtrack of her screaming about HOW F*KING DRUNK SHE IS and HOW AWESOME SHE FEELS. She will have no real opinion, no backstory and no intention of socialising in a manner that a normal person wouldn't regret the next morning and for the rest of their lives. Can be seen in small aggregations every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.
2. There is no 2.
Dipf: Sounds like fun.
This is so incredibly true! And girls, don't be the "Mom"…you'll have plenty of time in your 40s for that.
NEWSFLASH: Girls who actually enjoy making out with each other are not "fake" lesbians. At the very least, they're bisexual.
rrrr is a stupid shitface