The 5 Girls You’ll Meet in a College Bar

By Edit Posted in Booze + Food, College, Culture, News-ish

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All girls are rare and beautiful snowflakes — this much we know.

Yet when you take college girls, feed them alcohol and put them in a bar environment, a remarkable thing happens: their behavior falls into remarkably consistent patterns. Based on our research, we’ve identified five types of girls you’re likely to meet in a college bar.

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Girl on Her Cell Phone

“OMG! I can’t believe he said that!” Multitasking is a glorious thing – truly a hallmark of our modern age. And yet, the ability of this girl to simultaneously order a drink, have a cursory conversation with a random frat dude attempting to hit on her, and catch up on the latest girl talk on her cell phone over the din of drunk people chanting the chorus to “Living on a Prayer” is still amazing to behold.

This girl has such super-human abilities to communicate that if you married her your kids would most likely be telepathic, an ability sure to be an improvement over the cell phone for communicating the miniutia of one’s sex life. But good luck even attempting to start a conversation with her. She and her iPhone – with its nearly endless stream of mindless babble being delivered straight to her cerebral cortex 23 hours a day – are getting along just fine.

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“Can You Take Our Picture?” Girl

This girl will make you her personal Paparazzi in her quest to document every random Thursday night she’s spent getting drunk at Awful Al’s with her nine BFFs. Although you look like a chump being Mr. Amateur Photographer, you’ll say yes to her request to take a picture of her and her friends on the outside chance one of them will have sex with you (they won’t).

Of the 983 tagged photos of her on Facebook, 800 or so feature prominently placed alcoholic beverages. This is to show everyone she was Out Having Fun. Don’t worry about telling this girl to smile (if you can even get her beer-soaked camera to operate). She’s got her own Kissy Guido Face/Gangsta Hand Sign/MySpace Emo look down to a science.

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Fake Lesbians

Like Pavlovian dogs that can’t stop salivating at the sound of a bell, or moths drawn to a flame, most guys are simply unable to tear themselves away from the site of two girls getting all Sapphic. Say what you will about Joe Francis, but no one can deny that we have him to thank for the potential of any random bar night turning into a Girls Gone Wild commercial. Of course, it’s all just for show, and the sexual equivalent of Fool’s Mate in chess – even an ugly girl can significantly up her attraction potential simply by making out with another girl in a public venue. But still, for most guys, this Never. Gets. Old.

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Can’t Shut Up About Semester Abroad Girl

She just came back from Amsterdam. Or Italy. Or Thailand. And now she wants to tell you ALL about it. These stories almost never live up to their potential, mostly because what Americans do abroad isn’t really that interesting. They eat. They drink. They “find themselves” via a passionate fling with a sexy foreign stranger. The whole abroad experience is a grand adventure that doesn’t vary much from person to person. If you can stand to hear a truncated version of the plot of Eat, Pray Love, then maybe this girl is for you, otherwise, stay away.

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The Mom

Also known as the CockBlocker, the Mom hasn’t had sex in months, and is here to make sure her friends don’t either. The Mom carries herself with a matronly air (hence her name) and is frequently seen saying “We have to go!” as she pulls her friends off of you.

The Mom is a hard one to win over, as she lives to be the wet blanket. But it’s always the repressed ones that suddenly act like they are on the set of an Andre 3000 video when they do decide to finally let go, so it may be worth the time you expend to convince her to come over to the dark side and have a little fun instead of being the chaperone.

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