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The 5 Girls You’ll Meet in a College Bar

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All girls are rare and beautiful snowflakes — this much we know.

Yet when you take college girls, feed them alcohol and put them in a bar environment, a remarkable thing happens: their behavior falls into remarkably consistent patterns. Based on our research, we’ve identified five types of girls you’re likely to meet in a college bar.

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Girl on Her Cell Phone

“OMG! I can’t believe he said that!” Multitasking is a glorious thing – truly a hallmark of our modern age. And yet, the ability of this girl to simultaneously order a drink, have a cursory conversation with a random frat dude attempting to hit on her, and catch up on the latest girl talk on her cell phone over the din of drunk people chanting the chorus to “Living on a Prayer” is still amazing to behold.

This girl has such super-human abilities to communicate that if you married her your kids would most likely be telepathic, an ability sure to be an improvement over the cell phone for communicating the miniutia of one’s sex life. But good luck even attempting to start a conversation with her. She and her iPhone – with its nearly endless stream of mindless babble being delivered straight to her cerebral cortex 23 hours a day – are getting along just fine.

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“Can You Take Our Picture?” Girl

This girl will make you her personal Paparazzi in her quest to document every random Thursday night she’s spent getting drunk at Awful Al’s with her nine BFFs. Although you look like a chump being Mr. Amateur Photographer, you’ll say yes to her request to take a picture of her and her friends on the outside chance one of them will have sex with you (they won’t).

Of the 983 tagged photos of her on Facebook, 800 or so feature prominently placed alcoholic beverages. This is to show everyone she was Out Having Fun. Don’t worry about telling this girl to smile (if you can even get her beer-soaked camera to operate). She’s got her own Kissy Guido Face/Gangsta Hand Sign/MySpace Emo look down to a science.

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Fake Lesbians

Like Pavlovian dogs that can’t stop salivating at the sound of a bell, or moths drawn to a flame, most guys are simply unable to tear themselves away from the site of two girls getting all Sapphic. Say what you will about Joe Francis, but no one can deny that we have him to thank for the potential of any random bar night turning into a Girls Gone Wild commercial. Of course, it’s all just for show, and the sexual equivalent of Fool’s Mate in chess – even an ugly girl can significantly up her attraction potential simply by making out with another girl in a public venue. But still, for most guys, this Never. Gets. Old.

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Can’t Shut Up About Semester Abroad Girl

She just came back from Amsterdam. Or Italy. Or Thailand. And now she wants to tell you ALL about it. These stories almost never live up to their potential, mostly because what Americans do abroad isn’t really that interesting. They eat. They drink. They “find themselves” via a passionate fling with a sexy foreign stranger. The whole abroad experience is a grand adventure that doesn’t vary much from person to person. If you can stand to hear a truncated version of the plot of Eat, Pray Love, then maybe this girl is for you, otherwise, stay away.

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The Mom

Also known as the CockBlocker, the Mom hasn’t had sex in months, and is here to make sure her friends don’t either. The Mom carries herself with a matronly air (hence her name) and is frequently seen saying “We have to go!” as she pulls her friends off of you.

The Mom is a hard one to win over, as she lives to be the wet blanket. But it’s always the repressed ones that suddenly act like they are on the set of an Andre 3000 video when they do decide to finally let go, so it may be worth the time you expend to convince her to come over to the dark side and have a little fun instead of being the chaperone.

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    Comments

    Comments

    1. […] The Five Girls You’ll Meet in a College Bar (TRUE) […]

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    5. […] Yet when you take college girls, feed them alcohol and put them in a bar environment, a remarkable thing happens: their behavior falls into remarkably consistent patterns. Based on our research, we’ve identified five types of girls you’re likely to meet in a college bar. […]

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    7. Really? says:

      You forgot the biggest one EVER: The Drama Queen! I would need more than both my hands to count the number of times I've been out to a bar and witnessed a very inebriated girl starting a riot because someone spilled a drink on her and then getting her friends to either join in or smother her with attention so she'll settle down.

      And what about the girl who goes out for the sole purpose of getting laid? Pshh.

    8. mylittlepwny says:

      You forgot me….the wallflower. Awwww how could this happen!

    9. […] The 5 girls you’ll meet in a college bar – COED Magazine […]

    10. Jan says:

      The Mom: true, unfortunaltely

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    13. CBCB says:

      Yeah, but you won't actually MEET the wallflower :]

    14. Mobilemoll says:

      Ok, I'm at times Girl #1 (not college chick tho!) Sometimes the phone texting/drinking/polite smile combo is essential for letting a guy know that you aren't interested. Or it could be that it's sort of dull and you are trying to find out what is going on elsewhere.

    15. Charlotte says:

      But…I'm none of those girls.

      Does that make me a dude?

    16. Sunshyn22 says:

      The uh…whole thing with "Girls are beautiful and rare snowflakes"…hahaha, laaame. Girls are just as gross and human as men. They still fart and sweat, they still smell and have gross feet regardless of how pedicured they are. Their ass is just as smelly and their breath is just as bacteria-ated and rank. In fact, at times, I think they're even grosser. When guys buy them a countless number of drinks so they get disgustingly inebriated, they go to the bathroom and pee on a toilet that's already been peed on only to find there's no toilet paper. So they have to air dry (it's still unclean). They puke just as men do. Girls are no better than guys. Yes, some of them are pretty, but no girl is attractive without humility.

    17. sunshyn22 says:

      Oh, by the way, fake lesbians suck! They do it for attention because apparently having a bitchin' personality isn't good enough these days. You have to be a super whore that shares spit with other random people to get banged out by the hottest c*ck on the place which has probably seen many other vaginas before it was interested in you.

      The idea of exchanging bodily fluids so casually and frequently is disgusting.

    18. funluvnprncss says:

      Sunshyn22 is clearly the mom… BORRRRINGGG

    19. Hugh G. Rection says:

      Dear Latest and Greatest Sunshyn22[sic],

      Apparently, you missed the strategically-placed sarcasm within the first sentence of the article. Although you may find it necessary to flaunt your ignorance through the comment section, please spare us the gory details of the female lifestyle in which you obviously participate.

      P.S. What is "bacteria-ated"? Nevermind, I don't care.

      P.P.S. I LOVE FAKE LESBIANS, BECAUSE I KNOW THEY'LL SLEEP WITH ME THAT WAY.

      Sincerely,

      Hugh G. Rection

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