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How to Watch Internet Porn and Not Get Caught

pornatwork

I go to the public library sometimes to use the free Internet. So does a guy that likes to watch porn. There I am, checking my email and whatnot, when all of a sudden I glance over to a face full of ass and balls. It doesn’t really bother me – I visit PrettyFatAndNaked.com all the time. However, unlike this guy, I have a healthy amount of shame that prohibits me from doing so in public. If you’re a normal guy like me (and I use the term loosely), you don’t like people finding out about your porn habits.

Unlike some of my friends, I’ve never been caught with my pants down. They claim I’m lucky, but luck has nothing to do with. I have system, and after you read this article, you will too. Here’s how to watch Internet porn and not get caught:

masturbating1Preparation

I know, you’re excited to get down to business, but if you take a few moments to prep, you’ll greatly reduce the chance for future embarrassment. Here are some steps you can take to make sure you don’t get rudely interrupted:

• Know where everyone else is and when they are expected home. If you want to really be sure, make an excuse and call them. Then, deftly ask when they plan on being home.

• Wait a few minutes after someone leaves. I don’t know how many times my roommate has come back to the house because he’s forgotten something. Give them enough time to get a good distance away.

• Open a 2nd Internet browser window and load it to an innocuous page like your email. That way, if you hear the front door slam, you can quickly hide the window with the gang bang in it.

• Close your door (duh). If the door swings inward into your room, throw a bunch of clothes or something in front of it so it blocks the way. It’ll buy you a few seconds to zip up if necessary.

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masturbationMid-Act

Great, now you’re ready to get started. I know, you’re an old pro at this, but here are some things that will help keep your session below the radar:

• Mute the volume. If you really like those grunts and groans, keep the volume really low. Don’t use headphones! They’ll limit your ability to hear doors slamming, footsteps and voices of intruders.

• Keep your pants nearby. Preferably, they should be around your ankles so you can hike them up in an emergency. However, sometimes this can be obtrusive to the matter at hand. If you’re a risk taker, take one ankle out of the pant leg for some more freedom.

• Don’t use lotion. It’s messy and is a dead giveaway to what you’ve been doing, even if you get your pants on and browser closed before you get found out. Save the Lubriderm for special occasions when you’re certain no one will be home for a good long while.

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nsk242668Cleaning Up

A good thief doesn’t leave a shred of evidence. Unless you want to get caught, neither should you. Here’s what to do:

• Don’t throw away tissue. Flush it.

• Clear your browser history to get rid of all those pesky pages you visited. However, be aware that doing so frequently can raise suspicion. If you want to be a real pro, use a secondary browser to do your porn surfing. For example, I use Safari to watch porn and Firefox for everything else. That way, my Firefox browser stays squeaky clean.

• Empty your cache. Sites you’ve previously visited will be auto-suggested when typing a Web address into the browser. Clearing the cache fixes this.

• Is this method full proof? No, but it will substantially reduce the odds that you’ll get caught. Now, if you don’t mind, my roommate just left for work, so yeah I’ve got some prepping to do.

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    Comments

    Comments

    1. semilost says:

      Tips on how to watch porn ?!…LMAO!!…Another sign the apocalypse is near !!

    2. […] How to watch porn and not get caught. […]

    3. brian says:

      Another tip…. Google's browser "chrome" has an "incognito" function that allows you to surf and there is no record left on your machine of anywhere you've gone. They claim it's useful while shopping for a special gift for you're gf and she won't find out… but we all know what it's really for.

      1. x1134x says:

        Check your flash cache. Its maintained by ADOBE's flash program that runs within chrome, or IE, and it DOES still record the sites you visit. Check C:Documents and SettingsUSERNAMEApplication DataMacromediaFlash Player#SharedObjects in there will be a folder with random letters and numbers. Inside that folder will be a list of every site you've visited that downloaded flash content. It will be there regardless of what "stealth" browsing mode you use be it firefox or chrome. Since many porn videos play on flash, there may be a 'youporn.com' or a 'redtube.com' entry there. FYI.

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    7. John Impavido says:

      You really must love to watch porn! If you ever do get caught, or if the guilt and shame get to you, please visit my website: http://www.sexualaddictioncounseling.net

      I counsel sexual addicts, porn addicts etc. Most of my clients come to me when they get caught and are facing some heavy consequences. If you want to stay clean before you face the heat, give me a call.

      1. x1134x says:

        Or just realize that your woman is WRONG, and let her be stupid and leave. Let her find out that those other "perfect" men also watch porn.

        No man EVER regrets watching porn. They regret getting caught, and they regret their wives prudish attitudes that confuse masturbation with sex.

    8. Mike says:

      Google Chrome is really good because it has an "incognito" feature (aka "porn mode"). You just run the browser in incognito mode and it doesn't save any history or cache or anything. As soon as you close the window there is zero trace of any website you've visited while in porn mode, and you only need to use one browser ;)

      1. x1134x says:

        Check your flash cache. Its maintained by ADOBE's flash program that runs within chrome, or IE, and it DOES still record the sites you visit. Check C:Documents and SettingsUSERNAMEApplication DataMacromediaFlash Player#SharedObjects in there will be a folder with random letters and numbers. Inside that folder will be a list of every site you've visited that downloaded flash content. It will be there regardless of what "stealth" browsing mode you use be it firefox or chrome. Since many porn videos play on flash, there may be a 'youporn.com' or a 'redtube.com' entry there. FYI.

    9. NegraJoe says:

      I wasn't on "the-net" till age 46 in 2006.
      Free internet porn video and my ability to burn it to realplayer and transfer to a flashdrive has saved my life.

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