We’re not sure how they’ve done it, but by some dastardly karmic injustice these 10 a-holes have made successful careers for themselves as comedians by… being about as funny as putting your dog to sleep. For whatever idiotic reason, everyone went along with the shams long enough to make these people into celebrities. We’re not saying we could do their jobs better, we’re just saying it wouldn’t have been hard to find someone who could. So without further adieu – The Top 10 Most Unfunny Comedians of All Time.
Disclaimer: It’s no surprise that Dane Cook made this list – being that he’s such an amazing, incredible douchebag. However – in the spirit of full disclosure – we must admit that Dane Cook was on the cover of the print edition of COED Magazine in 2006. But that’s all in the past – from the days when COED was run by delusional idiots who wished they were Dane’s buffer boys. We’re not them.
#10 Carrot Top
Carrot Top is so unfunny, it’s a stretch to even call him a comedian. But since being a “comedian” is the only reason we know who this fiery red dickhead is, we couldn’t leave him off. As to why he’s not funny, Bill Hicks said it best: “Carrot Top is for people who didn’t get Gallagher.” And, as was usual with Bill Hicks, that’s exactly right.
While Gallagher was utterly obnoxious and about as funny as a baby with cancer, Carrot Top is the asshole copying that guy, and couldn’t even come up with material better than food smashing and sitting on a giant couch. Now he’s just more funny-looking than any joke he’s ever told. Guess that’s what happens when you turn into a ‘roid-riddled transvestite.
We know this guy is a stand-up comedian. But does anybody remember his act – or “The Sinbad Show”? Us either. In fact, we can’t remember a single joke this dude has told since 1987. The only thing we do remember is his unnatural fondness of neon jumpsuits and the dangling pedophile earring that makes him look like a jungle-alien criminal. Besides that, it’s a wash. Our guess is that he’s only famous because he has a badass name and doesn’t scare white people. That’s 1994 for “funny”.
#8 Louie Anderson
Seeing fat people fall down – funny. Seeing fat people slapping each other – funny. Even dancing fat people are funny. Listening to a fat dude wheeze about how much it sucks to be fat – about as boring as a blow job from a Celine Dion impersonator.
On top of that, his voice makes you want to punch yourself in the face, sounding more like it’s coming out of Carrot Top’s asshole rather than Louie Anderson’s windpipes. How this guy managed to fill auditoriums, get his own show or move out of his parent’s basement is completely beyond us.
#7 Whoopi Goldberg
In general, Whoopi Goldberg’s audience are middle-aged soccer moms who love Walmart, cut their hair to look like 40-year-old fat dudes for the rest of their lives and think it’s subversive to philosophize about the subversity of mildly racist jokes. That’s not comedy. That’s just boring. Like Sister Act.
#6 Richard Lewis
Richard Lewis is everything that was wrong with the 1990’s embodied in a douchey hair-do and a dick face. Basically, all he jokes about is how much he sucks at life, which makes sense… considering how much he sucks at comedy. It’s like he’s just waiting for someone to tell him to shut the hell up. But instead, he does things like claim he coined the term “The [INSERT NOUN] from hell.” That’s like saying you invented the wheel or fire or nunchucks or “shut the F*CK up!”
#5 Judy Tenuta
Between her skin-crawl voice and embarrassingly bad act, we can’t decide what we hate most about Judy Tenuta. But something tells us it starts with an “a” and ends with “ccordion.” For some reason, nobody bothered to tell her that using the most annoying instrument on earth makes people hate you – or at best makes you look like a crazy b*tch with too many cats. We will say that we wouldn’t have minded seeing Judy, uh, sans accordion…and clothes. But that doesn’t exactly make us want to listen to her talk.
#4 Jimmy Fallon
Being a comedian is kind of like being a ventriloquist, except that instead of not being able to move your lips when you talk, you can’t laugh at your own jokes – especially when you’re not being funny. And as far as we can tell, Jimmy Fallon has built his entire career on doing exactly that. Now he’s going to be the host of the “Late Show” after Conan takes over for Leno.
There’s no way he’ll last at the “Late Show”. The New York Times said that “some media critics have already questioned how well [Jimmy Fallon] might fare as a late-night host, a job that has traditionally required a personality comfortable with playing himself every night.” Our prediction: if Jimmy Fallon actually plays himself, his hosting career will last one night, ending with Fallon crying himself to death from vicious self loathing and a nasty case of hair gel scalp burn.
#3 Kathy Griffin
We almost feel sorry for Kathy Griffin. But then she opens her mouth and starts making fun of celebrities you know she’d give her left t*t to be, and all that empathy goes out the window faster than her agent’s business card. I guess she assumed embracing the whole, “I am a sucky celebrity” thing would make us feel sorry for her more. But instead, it made us realize why Hollywood started having a D-list in the first place – to keep assholes like Kathy Griffin out of movies and off television – hint, hint…
#2 Carlos Mencia
I’m not sure what improbable and hellacious chain of events had to happen in order for this dude to become famous. Why, with so many talented people on this planet, did this asshole have to hit the freakin’ life jackpot?
Regardless, whoever’s making these things happen needs to be drowned as soon as possible. See, it’s not even that we don’t laugh at his corny, racist, un-clever jokes, it’s that he steals his jokes and then re-writes them into something so offensively terrible that we become nauseated before the word “Mexican” can escape his fat-f*cker face.
So please, Carlos – for all that is right and good and holy in this world, stop doing “comedy.” You gave it a shot, but it’s just not your thing. Sorry, buddy. It’s time to move on, and never infect us with your retardation ever – ever again.
#1 Dane Cook
We contemplated not including Dane Cook on this list. Not because he’s actually funny, but rather because he’s so monumentally horrible in so many ways, we figured it was better to just have the article run from 10-2, with #1 assumed from the outset. But when someone this talentless becomes this successful, pointing out that Dane Cook’s existence makes this a worse world in which to live seemed an unavoidable humanitarian duty.
Why? Simple – he steals jokes from Louis C.K.; he replaces punchlines with puking noise and leaping around the stage like an epileptic baboon; other comics hate him; and nothing he says is f*cking funny! We know he’s the highest selling comedian on the planet. But if you ask us, that’s just more proof that he’s a cheap hack – the McDonald’s of comedy. Please go away, Dane. Planet Earth will thank you.