Don’t get us wrong – we really like Rachel Maddow. Her analysis is tempered and even-handed. All in all, she’s a refreshing voice in a grimy mud puddle of political blather. But she has got to do something about her freakin’ wardrobe.
For some poor reason, they’ve decided to box her in a long-necked, wide coat that makes her appear she completely naked under her blazer – and not in a good way. On top of that, it looks as though she has a giant f**king Adam’s apple. We can’t help you with the blazer, but we’ve come up with a few ways she can divert attention from that nugget in her throat.
1. Graphics, Graphics, Graphics
Twenty-four-hour news channels love graphics. It’s their new best friend next to idiotic politicians. Since they’ve already got a giant bar of crap at the bottom of that screen, why not just pull it up a bit? Not only will that solve the whole man-neck problem, it’ll be good for the seeing-impaired.
2. Giant Button
Ok, this one might not seem like much of a solution, but for most of the population, flashing lights and arrows on a giant button pretty much guarantee drawing interest away from her “Facts of Life” Geri Jewel-neck. Believe us, if you don’t like this option, they just get more drastic from here…
3. Neutered Dog Cone
This giant contraption isn’t just for hiding the man-buldge. Not only does it divert attention to anything but the humongous neck cone she’s wearing, we’re pretty sure you could turn this thing into one of those cool see-through tele-prompters. She’d be like a walking news studio.
4. Smoking Cowboy
Here’s what Rachel needs to do: First, start smoking, a lot. Like, nine packs per day. Maybe she can just get an oxygen tank filled with tobacco smoke and just wheel it around. Once her throat is so rocked from the constant barrage of smoke, she’ll have no choice but to get a sweet cowboy tracheotomy. And we promise, nobody’s going to be paying attention to her Adam’s apple then.
5. Elizabethan Neck-Poof Thing
Back in the day – way back in the day – these things were a huge and didn’t look ridiculous at all. If our predictions are correct, this outfit is going to come back in a big way. The runways are going to be full of them. And she’ll be leading the trend. Either that, or she could just start dressing like a woman and we wouldn’t have to have this discussion.