Finals are just around the corner. Job interviews are being had. Apartments in new cities are being looked for.
Holy sh*t. College is ending.
And I am having a serious breakdown.
1. What the hell am I going to do with my English degree?
2. When am I going to see my friends again?
3. Where am I going to live?
4. How am I going to support myself without the help of my dad (who I have totally wrapped around my finger, might I add)?
5. What am I going to do when the college life I have gotten so accustomed to is over?
I know that these are things most people thought about months ago (especially the job stuff!), but I am really bad at accepting reality. Like the fact that everyone can tell my Marc Jacobs bag is fake. I like to pretend that everything is fine. In my world, if I think something is true then it must be true. So for awhile, I pretended like college wasn’t ending. Instead, this was just another year leading into yet another summer.
But today my bubble burst. As I sat with my counselor to finish my senior audit I actually broke down and started to cry. The avalanche of reality came crashing on top of me and for a moment I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. It was no longer a joke. I suddenly realized that I am 22 with no idea what my future holds for me. My friends will be spreading out across the country and around the world. I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
For the first time I am in complete control of my destiny and it scares the crap out of me.
My counselor tried to comfort me, but she had 3 people waiting outside the office to see her. She also seemed a little shocked and confused by my tears (read: sobbing) and clearly didn’t know how to handle it. She handed me a Werthers and told me to come back next week when she had some more time…and a dry Audit form.
I walked out of her office and called my best friend to tell her what happened. She laughed hysterically and then agreed to meet me for ice cream. We talked for awhile and while I still have many unanswered questions (and a sh*tload of anxiety), I did realize that avoiding thoughts of my future isn’t going to make it go away. I need to embrace the fact that change is coming and be proactive about it.
And, with only a month of school left, I really need to get out more and take lots and lots of pictures.