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Response to “An open letter to sock manufacturers” from a fired up representative at “Global Socks Unlimited”

Note from the editor: I received this email from a guy who claims to be a pissed off tube sock industry representative. It even came from an email address registered to “Global Socks Unlimited”… weird! Jim McMurphy, the representative from “Global Socks Unlimited” is responding to “An open letter to sock manufacturers” written by Devin Reitsma and posted at 11 AM today. In the article Devin claims there is a conspiracy run by tube sock industry giants to steal our socks while they are in the dryer and resell them on the black market. I suggest you read Devin’s hard hitting article then view the response below.

From: Jim McMurphy <James.McMurphy@globalsocksunlimited.com>
Date: Jul 20, 2007 1:39 PM
Subject: A response from the sock industry
To: Stephen Gebhardt <steveg@coedmagazine.com>

Clap… clap… clap… Mr. Reitsma, I must applaud you. After years of operating under the radar, you have exposed us for all we are worth. While you got the general gist of how we operate down in your article, you conveniently overlooked many important details that paint us, the nation’s sock industry, as this money hungry monster. I think for you to move any further in the field of journalism, you will have to put much more research into your work, and try not to take such a negative slant.

Now that we’ve been exposed, i may as well be complete upfront with you America. Yes, for the past 60 years or so (since the revolutionary transition from the bucket and washboard/clothes line combo to the electric washer and dryer) we have been taking your socks. This is an absolute truth i cannot even try to refute. However, i take issue with the numbers you provided as ‘fact’ in your article. First off, we do not take one sock per load as you viciously implied. The number we aim to reach is about .45 socks per load (SPL), and in fact in 2006 we were at .41 SPL, and the closest we have ever come to the numbers you suggested was in 1985 when we hit .73 SPL. ’85 was not our fault though, Reagan was blind to what was going on, and our chairman got very greedy. We have worked hard to improve our image since then and a little gratitude from you would be appreciated.

Mr. Reitsma also fails mention our softer side. For example, we primarily only target white socks. This way it is much easier for you to mix and match different pairs. We realize that if you lose one dress sock, you basically lose the pair, and we try to avoid such a situation whenever possible. Also, if you are in a warm weather state, you may notice a higher rate of sock disappearance. This is because we allow the colder states to keep a higher volume of socks so they can survive the winter. With the right job and in the right state, you can avoid wearing socks all together and therefore we have less shame in swiping from you. Also, we have implemented many measures over the years that insure your panties/thongs/unmentionables and not touched. In fact, if we can tell it is a female load, we put one of our female swipers on the job. This is in an effort to be a little less invasive.

Now that you’ve learned what we do, you are probably wondering why we do it. Socks are a precious commodity in some corners of the world,. We try to resell the swiped socks in these markets at inflated prices as investment for both us the company, and you the consumer. I’ll admit that the money we make from the reselling of your socks is helping me put my 8 children through college (two sets of quadruplets), but it is also helping us keep the cost of production down. This savings is passed on to you the consumer as sock prices have remained steady for over 15 years. We also distribute some of the swiped socks to charitable organizations. This past Christmas we donated over 10,000 socks to local orphanages for the poor children to use as Christmas stockings, and most of our thinner socks are sent off to Africa to be used as condoms. AIDS is a very serious, dangerous problem Mr. Reitsma, what have you done to stop the epidemic?

In conclusion, we would like to emphasize the rumors surrounding the sock companies for years have been confirmed from the guy at the top, and also, Mr. Reitsma is a son of a bitch.

Thanks,

Jim McMurphy

Global Socks Unlimited

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